Monthly Archives: December 2012

so, this happened

I had an OBGYN appointment today* and this happened.


conveniently labeled to avoid confusion

I go to a high-risk OB clinic (supposedly the best in the state, which I am repeating to myself like a mantra these days. Best in the state. Best in the state. That means nothing can go wrong, yes? Wait, don’t answer that.) in the nearest smallish city. Because it’s a clinic, I see a different doctor each time, and I won’t really have any control over which one of them does my C-section when the time comes. Mostly I am OK with this.

But today?

Maybe I shouldn’t have been weirded out by this, but the more I think about it the less comfortable I am. Please tell me if I’ve gone off the deep end in feeling grumbly about this appointment.

The doctor (whom I’d never seen before) came in and asked me if I could feel the baby moving yet. I said no, and he said “Good! It’s too early. I was just asking that to test you. If you’d said yes I would have known you were making it up.” At the time I laughed, but now I’m just pissed off at the assumption (even in humor) that a pregnant woman’s perceptions of her own bodily sensations are up for mocking, questioning, and pre-emptively disbelieving.

He had me lie on the table, and then addressed my husband. “Are you responsible for this?” High-larious, dude.

He showed my husband how to use his hands to feel for my fundus, which was kind of cool, I must admit, and I tried to get him to show me once we got home but I couldn’t find it. Once they had found it, the doctor whipped out a pen and started drawing on my belly. (See Fig. 1.)

He outlined my uterus (and labeled it “uterus” in his inscrutable doctor’s handwriting) with a ballpoint pen. On my belly. During my appointment. While addressing only my husband.

Was I even fucking there?

I mean, seriously, does this sound OK to you? I know I have kind of a thin skin, and it’s true that Hormones are making me Feel Things lately, but the whole thing felt very dehumanizing to me. And if I’m not totally manufacturing my dudgeon, should I call the clinic?**

I think probably the best course of action is just to hope that (a) I don’t have to see that doctor again, and (b) his actual, you know, clinical skills far surpass his sense of humor.

* Today? Yesterday? Who can say when I’m blogging at 4:30 in the morning?

** And tell them what? “Excuse me, but the doctor drew on my belly and it made me uncomfortable?” Even I know that sounds loony.


T2 is here

Thank you so much for your thoughts on my last post. It was really helpful to read such thoughtful commentary from so many smart ladies, especially some who have been in similar situations.

I was on the phone with my brother and by some miracle none of his 3 kids were crying or needing his attention at the moment, so I bit the bullet and told him about the money. I did just as some of you suggested — I asked him to please listen to what I had to say, even though it was about Dad, and I just laid it out as simply as possible. I have this money, your girls deserve half of it, and I would like to bring you a check when I see you after Christmas.

To my surprise, he didn’t get upset. He was thrilled at the idea of having something extra to put in their college funds, and he will happily accept the check. I guess some things do go better than expected! Either he’s mellowing or he’s just that freaked out about paying for college x 3.

In pregnancy news, there is now a Bump. Like egghunt, I find myself in need of constant proof that this is actually happening. My nausea is getting a lot better and I’m not feeling any movement yet, so the expanding belly* is the best evidence I have that I didn’t just make this whole pregnancy thing up. I am still finding it  hard to believe that there is an actual live fetus in there. To try and direct my thoughts a little better, I am touching my belly a lot and thinking of the fetus inside. Making myself visualize a still-beating heart, a growing body, in the hope of making it all feel a little more real.

We are starting to think about names. What we have learned so far: picking a name is hard. Luckily we still have lots of time. I know it’s early to be making lists of names, but it’s another way for me to feel connected, like this is really happening.

We are also thinking about furniture. My husband is on winter break for the next few weeks and wants to get things bought and set up as much as possible before spring semester starts. I understand his thinking and certainly the longer we wait the less help I will be in terms of moving stuff around and putting things together, but this feels like tempting fate to me. I am barely into T2 (15w), and so much can go wrong. How much worse would it be if we had already set up a crib? I can’t imagine the pain of dismantling a never-used nursery. Despite my latent superstition, though, I think we’re going to go furniture shopping in a couple of weeks and proceed as though a real live baby is actually coming.

* And the still-growing breasts … seriously, are they ever going to stop? I was a D and then some before I even got pregnant, and this is getting ridiculous!