second beta

48 hours after the first one: 419.

My next appointment is for (get this) an ultrasound. Holy shit.

It’s really hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that this is really happening. I find myself a little surprised at the apparent depth of my belief that this was going to fail. It’s like I keep needing additional proof that it worked, and I suspect that by the time I have the ultrasound (a little over a week from now) I will have convinced myself I’m not actually pregnant.

This is a new and different mindfuck, ladies.

I’m trying to be unreservedly happy, but so far I’m stuck in this weird place of convincing myself over and over again that this is real, that I’m not actually going to whoops! get my period today* and it will all have been a sick joke.

Infertility: it gets you coming and going.

* Though, in an act of willful belief, I did take the tampons out of my purse today. That’s a step forward, right?




11 responses to “second beta

  1. That is an awesome number!!! Can’t wait to hear how the ultrasound goes!!!

    • PS….I love that you took the tampons out of your purse….when I got pregnant I think I restocked because I was so sure it wasn’t going to last…..this made me laugh!

  2. Congrats on the great beta! I can only imagine the mindfuck, but I think taking tampons out of the purse is a good first step!

  3. Give it some time. I know if took me a while to fully comprehend that I was actually pregnant. The absence of a period did sort of help to confirm it. Can’t wait to hear about the ultrasound.

  4. So right there with you, only my clinic wouldn’t do a second beta so I’m left convinced its all going to fall apart any second! Hope everything goes ok for you, I thin we are on a really similar schedule

  5. Great second beta! It is a gigantic mindfuck, you’re so right – but it will get more real. Very, very slowly (now at the end of week 37, I still get those moments when I can’t believe it – but they’re much, much rarer now) – seeing you’re baby on ultrasound will definitely help 🙂

  6. Glory be woman it was your turn back in 1964 to have a baby!

    This is great news. Lets knock out that heartbeat and get busy designing your nursery.

  7. PHEW. I think it’s a gradual progression of becoming more real. Ultrasounds make it more real. Feeling a fetus move makes it more real. Holding a baby in your arms…but I have to say, it still feels unreal. Anyway, I think having to convince yourself over and over is a great way to be unreservedly happy. Lord knows we are all SO FUCKING HAPPY FOR YOU.

  8. 1) BETA = Fan-freakin-tastic
    2) Don’t you go beating yourself up for “not being happy enough” (speaking from experience here, and could smell a whiff of it in your post). Woman, I cant even say I fully feel my pregnancy is real and that I’ve fully touched the happiness of it. And it’s 18 weeks tomorrow. Give it time. Yes, infertility will fuck with your mind (and heart) and leave it in a chewed-up mess. You are doing so well.
    3) YEAH! I’m so happy and excited for you.

  9. Great 2nd beta! It’s a strange place to be in right now. Just get through the days as best you can and it will slowly become more real…

  10. Great news on the second beta!

    It’s so hard to get excited when you’ve been through so much. BUT – you will see something great on that ultrasound!

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