schroedinger’s embryos are hungry

This week I am both pregnant and not pregnant.

Yesterday, when we found out our remaining two embryos were not able to be frozen (they stopped growing), we were sure it was all over. But we talked each other down out of our respective trees and we’re both feeling a little better today.

There is some world-record shit going on with my breasts right now. They were not small before, but I have crossed the line from”well-endowed” to “porn star.” I am pretty sure this is from the progesterone.

Yesterday my temperature went down, then today it was back up. We have consulted Dr. Google regarding implantation dips, and it did happen around the right time. However, I am pretty sure it was because our house was freaking cold yesterday morning.

Today I couldn’t stop eating. I ate breakfast, which I never do, and snacked all day long at work (I will have to replenish my stash of Larabars and Ritz crackers), and inhaled two giant bowls of pasta for dinner right after work. I am pretty sure this is because I have no self-control.

I am actually holding up pretty well emotionally so far, but I don’t think I can handle much more of this bodily minutiae. The specific size and soreness of my breasts? The amount of pasta I can snarf down? Temperature variations? The utter mundanity of this is driving me crazy. I am, of course, hyper-aware of everything that I am feeling. Yesterday I texted my husband:

I am SO SLEEPY. Is it lack of caffeine? Progesterone side effect? Pregnancy symptom? Boring day at work? The world may never know.


18 responses to “schroedinger’s embryos are hungry

  1. Sorry to hear your remaining embryos didn’t survive to freeze. But keep in mind that the “best” embryos would’ve been chosen to transfer, so it doesn’t necessarily mean that the ones currently in uterus won’t survive.

    The 2WW after fertility treatment is such a mind trip. All of the things you describe (including the temperature spike) *could* be early pregnancy symptoms. They could also be due to the progesterone supplementation.

    Thinking good thoughts for you!

  2. As someone who has been pregnant FOUR freaking times, I can verify that what you are describing sounds like pregnancy symptoms. Hang gently onto hope during this torturous window of time. I have been thinking of you every day, and I’m sending your little beans the message to stick around!!!

  3. The wait is a grim time. Analyze until your head explodes. Feel for you momma.

  4. welcome to the torture room of the 2ww. In it, you’ll find yourself, much as you describe, using an ancient method of self-torture involving interpreting each bodily symptom or lack of symptom as meaningful or non-meaningful (that covers just about everything). Sounds crazy? Feels like you are driving your own sweet self crazy? You are RIGHT where you need to be, dear woman. (although fuck, I wish the gods would have spared you torture altogether, given the years of it you’ve already been through).

    Porn star boobs sounds positive to me. My fingers and aloe plants are crossed (see egghunt’s blog for the aloe reference).

  5. oh, and major props on the shroedinger reference. Alive and dead. I say alive. But I’m biased with hope and fondness.
    I’m sorry about the 2 embies that stopped growing.

  6. I am so right there with you….except for well, the optimistic part….I say you are pregnant and I’ll be optimistic for you…just not for myself. I have zero symptoms to analyze, although my breasts are tender and swollen, this is no different from any other cycle so I can’t think it is anything out of the ordinary….Wishing you the best of luck and I hope those embryos are sticking around for the long haul!

    PS I hate the 2WW!!

  7. Oh man, just reading this makes me dread my upcoming 2ww so much! I will turn into a crazy person, I know it! Fingers crossed for you! Can’t wait to read the good news!

  8. You’ve got the best of the best in there. Here’s hoping every little twinge and temperature spike *is* a pregnancy symptom and not just the 2ww sixth sense kicking in!

  9. I love the Schroedinger reference! Here’s hoping that they are pregnancy symptoms, but I hear you on over analyzing every single hot flash or tender boob.

  10. The worst part about the IVF 2WW for me was that everything felt like what I imagined was a pregnancy symptom… but I could never enjoy it and get excited because of the darn Progesterone.

    You should much more pregnant than progesterone-y to me though….

  11. wishing you tons of luck!!!

  12. I am totally dreading the post-IVF 2ww. I think I am dreading it more than the needles! Sorry about the remaining embryos. You got the best of the bunch, and that’s what’s important! I am keeping everything crossed for you!

  13. *Hoping very desperately that you won’t need those non-frozen embryos* Yeah, no point in thinking you can possibly not obsess during this Scariest Wait in the Whole World. The hungry thing is very encouraging, though it’s also entirely possible to be totally pregnant with nary a symptom, as I know from personal experience. So even if it’s ALL progesterone, you could still be super knocked up. OH, I hope hope hope hope hope you’re pregnant.

  14. I’m sorry that some embryo’s didn’t make it to be frozen but that’s super exciting that you are in the 2ww and may be pg right now! FX that your temp dip was just implantation!!
    (Hi from ICLW)

  15. Here from LFCA. Wishing you some very sticky beans!!

  16. Progesterone is an evil manipulator. The temp thing sounds really promising, though! Hoping hoping hoping!

    Enjoy the porn star boobs!

  17. I’m sorry to hear about your other embyros. I hope the two you did put back have tucked in tight and are already starting to wreak havoc on their mom (and outshine that damn progesterone). Of course I only want you to feel good, but if you’re going to feel BAD then damnit it better be for the right reason!

  18. Ugh! I’m sorry about the embryos. If there’s a silver lining in that, it’s definitely better that they crapped out NOW, rather than sitting around in storage (that you are paying for), and representing hope (for baby #2, since you are TOTALLY knocked up *now*), but not being actually viable.

    Of course I *wish* that you had double-digits in storage of all perfect, viable embryos.

    But enough about that…. I am so anxious for you!!! I am sure that progesterone supplementation makes all of these signs impossible to interpret, but I am sure I’d be squeezing my boobs and peering at my underwear/thermometer like a crazy person if I were you!!!! And of COURSE I’d be eating a ton. Ughhhh!!!!!!

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