this was stupid

What ever made me think I could do this? I can’t do this. Can I quit?

I am lying in bed in the middle of a lovely Saturday afternoon because I didn’t get any sleep last night because I am a giant fucking mess.

My follicle growth has “arrested,” apparently. I have lots and lots of follicles but they are mostly hanging out around 13-14 mm, with a few over 15 and 2 over 17 (RE says they want to see 3 that big). I am triggering tonight for a retrieval on Monday, and I just don’t think I can handle it if there are no mature eggs.

And even if I make it through this weekend, and even if it works, and even if there is a baby next June, what in the world makes me think I am capable of that?

What hubris is it, to think I should be entrusted with the care of a human being? Me. I can’t even manage to answer emails in a timely manner, and I think I can take care of a person?

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10 responses to “this was stupid

  1. Lovely woman, I am sorry this is so damn hard. I am sorry that you feel so terrible and that you are anticipating the worse. As one of many, I am here to hold your hand through this and tell you that while you think you can’t do it, you can. Remember that right now, it’s more important to put one foot in front of the other, rather than to think about the broad implications. You are in the doing phase, not the thinking phase (as in, thinking about this too much is not helping right now).
    My thoughts are with you, as always.

  2. Well hell I have never even heard of that. I am so sorry. I think I recall the estimate they grow 2mm a day?

    Don’t give up yet. There are still too many tortuous gates to pass thru.

    None of us are qualified to parent. It is what makes the world go round. I hope I am making you grimace out a sneer. I don’t mean to make light of it but you just gotta try and hold on.

    Visualize your big ass follicles.

    Much love, Roccie

  3. Oh, my goodness. I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time. Try to remember that you will get to the other side of this grueling process, and we are all hoping that everything goes as well as it can! Hugs!

  4. Just breathe. I know it’s scary and overwhelming that so much of this is out of your hands, but you will make it through. Through the weekend, and hopefully through the next nine months, and through each day that follows. And we’re all here with you, lifting you up and helping you along. Big hugs!

  5. You’ll have at least a couple mature ones. It’s going to be OK. Hang in there.

  6. I’m so so sorry this is so hard, I know that feeling and also know you will absolutely get thru it and that something will give. Wishing you maturing follicles and good thoughts all weekend.

  7. Arg. My heart goes out to you. This process must be utter hell even when it all goes perfectly, and being told that it’s “not working”, well, it must make a girl want to die. Whatever happens, you WILL make it through, including, every-possible-diety willing, the parenting part.

  8. Fuck. This is so wrenching. Note that I am TOTALLY not as discouraged as you are (2 over 17? Go!), but I certainty understand the rollercoaster feelings. I practically can’t take the suspense myself, so I can only imagine how YOU must feel. Too bad you can’t just take a sedative and wake when it’s over. Hang in there and be tough!

  9. FUCK! I’m thinking of you and hoping for a bit more growth before today’s retrieval. You CAN get through this.

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