in which lefty steps it up, and i lose my everloving shit

My husband loves Halloween. When we went to the mall last night to buy me some pants because I am so freaking bloated I can’t get into my regular pants and dear lord I hope this isn’t permanent but how can it be because I couldn’t possibly have gained this much weight in a week, we saw a big tent in the parking lot — a popup Halloween store.

Inexorably, inevitably, almost without volition, the car turned towards the Halloween tent. What we learned:

If I were to wear a Halloween costume this year, I could be a sexy cop, a sexy sailor, a sexy nurse, a sexy commando, a sexy crayon, a sexy witch, a sexy fairy, or a sexy stripper.

Zombies are in; Frankenstein is out.

And this is a real thing in the world, which we couldn’t help but purchase:

It’s a pen.

Once we got into the mall I bought some yoga-type pants which I may be able to get away with at work if I wear a sufficiently nice top and don’t draw too much attention to myself.

Then this morning I had a clinic appointment. I don’t know what my problem was — even on the drive up I was feeling freaked out. I think I have been holding it together pretty well thus far, but today I just lost it. I keep telling myself I can’t possibly be the first person ever to cry at that clinic, but I can’t figure out what made today any different from the last six million appointments.

After 7 days of stims I had:

  • 15 follicles on the right
  • 6 on the left (I told you she stepped it up!)
  • Largest follicle was 15.2, smallest was 5
  • Lining was 8mm
  • Gonal-F is decreased again as of tonight, to 75. Current regimen: Ganirelix AM, 75 Gonal-F and 75 Menopur PM.
  • Retrieval sometime this weekend or next Monday.

But the trouble started before I even got to the scan — they just couldn’t find a vein for the blood draw. They had to stick me several times and ended up getting the blood from the back of my hand. By the time that was done I was in tears (and again, I’m not usually a needle-phobe). I held it together pretty well for the Wanding, but in the consult I was pretty teary, and I couldn’t even maintain to set my next appointment at the front desk.

Luckily I had already called in sick to work (and I’m sure my team members were grateful, as I’ve been hacking up a lung all week) so I didn’t have to go in to the office afterward. I called my husband from the car, sobbing, and of course he was with a student and couldn’t talk, and by the time he called me back he had worked himself up pretty good because he thought there might be something, you know, actually wrong and not just me being unable to deal.

I am officially a fucking mess.

I’m actually kind of proud of myself that it has taken this long for me to lose it.


7 responses to “in which lefty steps it up, and i lose my everloving shit

  1. All the stress and anxiety is bound to get to you at some point. But all those follicles? So exciting! Just blame everything else on the hormones.

  2. Oh, dear. I’m sorry that the emotions are certainly running high, but try and give yourself a break… You do not have to be strong. This isn’t easy. But it sounds like your ovaries are doing a pretty damn good job! Those are some great numbers, i think!! When do you go back for your next check?

    On a lighter note, YES that pen is awesome!! There is a bar here called “The Pharmacy” and their pens are that type, but with green liquid (the color of pharmacy signs here), not nearly so morbid. Granted, given that it’s a restaurant the red might not be the most appetizing… But I swear, people go there for drinks or dinner JUST to steal the pens!

    And, if you choose to go the sexy crayon route, will you please post pictures?!?!

  3. Ever-loving is my favorite shit, btw. Seriously, you are holding up splendidly for all that is going on. We get a Halloween catalog and it’s been years and years of slut+ costumes. It makes for the homemade costumes.

    Concur that if I had to be sexy something, crayon it is! Go lefty!

  4. you’re doing amazing. honestly all these drugs rattling around, I’d be surprised if we all didn’t cry in the parking lot every day. the numbers look really encouraging – here’s keeping fingers and toes crossed for you for the egg retrieval next week!

  5. Didn’t they have a sexy giant ovary? I don’t know why we worry about crying our hearts out all over our clinics. I guess it’s that weird mix of extremely personal and extremely professional, and the stakes…and the hormones. But yeah, they have to be pretty used to it.

    Retrieval. It’s coming! You’re going to rock it. In a passed out way.

    And finally, I HAVE THAT PEN.

  6. You are doing GREAT, lovely. You really are. Crying mid-monitoring is totally, entirely par for the course. Especially when being pricked several times in different places while already feeling nervous.
    Glad you had the day off after that so you could play with your pen and imagine which sexy thing you would like to be for Halloween. Sexy petri dish? Sexy embryo? Sexy newly pregnant woman: that’s my vote for sure (except it won’t be a costume, it’ll be for reals).

  7. This is hard stuff. No one expects you to not lose your shit. You lose it whenever you want! My RE jokes with me now that I cried more than any patient he’s ever had, but the nurses assure me that’s not true. You will look back on this and smile some day – but now is not the day, and that’s OK!

    Hang in there! I’ve been in your spot and I know it’s scary, but you’ll get through it and persevere. You really will 🙂

    Cry all you want! Believe me, this is not the last time 😉

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