Monthly Archives: September 2012


this way lies madness

I did not intend to test at all. I was going to wait until the beta on Tuesday; I figured there was nothing a test could show me that would make me feel better, but a negative test would certainly make me feel worse.

But this morning something came over me. I opened the bathroom cupboard and saw a test left over from one of our IUI fail-fests … and I couldn’t help myself. I figured, I’m 9dp3dt, the trigger should be well away by now, why the hell not?

So I peed on it.

I swear there was a line. I thought maybe I was making it up, but my husband saw it too (with squinty sleepy morning eyes, no less). It was extremely faint, but it was fucking there.

I know it’s really too early, I know it’s probably the trigger, I know I’m supposed to wait for Tuesday like a good girl …

But I’ve never seen that before. That has to mean something, right?

I’m going to test again tomorrow and hopefully we will see whether or not we were both just wishing that faint breath of a line into existence.

maybe i should start wearing makeup

I have had a bad couple of days. There has been a lot of crying.*

Does anybody know what to do about tiny red blotches all over my face? It happens sometimes (rarely) when I cry a lot and it looks like I’ve been beaten up. I find I am wholly uninterested in explaining that no, really, I didn’t get in a fight.

Unfortunately I Grew Up Hippie and cosmetics are a complete mystery to me.

* I have no actual reason for The Crying. I just … don’t think it worked.

schroedinger’s embryos are hungry

This week I am both pregnant and not pregnant.

Yesterday, when we found out our remaining two embryos were not able to be frozen (they stopped growing), we were sure it was all over. But we talked each other down out of our respective trees and we’re both feeling a little better today.

There is some world-record shit going on with my breasts right now. They were not small before, but I have crossed the line from”well-endowed” to “porn star.” I am pretty sure this is from the progesterone.

Yesterday my temperature went down, then today it was back up. We have consulted Dr. Google regarding implantation dips, and it did happen around the right time. However, I am pretty sure it was because our house was freaking cold yesterday morning.

Today I couldn’t stop eating. I ate breakfast, which I never do, and snacked all day long at work (I will have to replenish my stash of Larabars and Ritz crackers), and inhaled two giant bowls of pasta for dinner right after work. I am pretty sure this is because I have no self-control.

I am actually holding up pretty well emotionally so far, but I don’t think I can handle much more of this bodily minutiae. The specific size and soreness of my breasts? The amount of pasta I can snarf down? Temperature variations? The utter mundanity of this is driving me crazy. I am, of course, hyper-aware of everything that I am feeling. Yesterday I texted my husband:

I am SO SLEEPY. Is it lack of caffeine? Progesterone side effect? Pregnancy symptom? Boring day at work? The world may never know.

they’re in there

As of today I am more pregnant than I have ever been. I get to say that, right? Because the next few days may well be my only chance to use the word “pregnant” without “not” in front of it.

We transferred 2 embryos — the one that was 5 cells yesterday and the better-looking of the 4-cell ones from yesterday. I don’t know how many cells they had today because they both morulized early. (Also, just because it came up in the comments on my last post, today was a 3-day transfer. My update from this morning was about yesterday’s progress. I guess it was a little confusing!)

We ended up doing assisted hatching, which we were not planning on, but the embryologist told us that the zona pellucida on both of the embryos was very thick and was not thinning out as she would like to see it do, so she went ahead and did the hatching. The word “hatching” delighted my bird-loving husband. I have to wonder if overly thick zonae pellucidae* have been complicating the problems that come from the poor sperm morphology — what if the sperm’s shape problems combined with the thick eggs has been making them just bounce off each other instead of fertilizing for all these years? But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised — every time we go to the doctor we find something else wrong with me.

The actual transfer was not too bad. There were way too many people crammed into the procedure room (me, my husband, the RE, the embryologist, another doctor who was running the ultrasound machine, a nurse, and a medical student), but it went quickly and smoothly, and I was so focused on not peeing on everyone that I didn’t have any mental space to panic. I suspect the whole full-bladder thing is just to give freaked-out ladies like me something to concentrate on while scary things are happening.

After the transfer they had me lie down for about an hour, and the embryologist came in and showed us pictures of the whole process. She showed us the difference between the 5 eggs that were mature and the 2 that were not, we saw the ICSI process happen (and we could even make out the sperm inside the pipette), and then there were pictures of the fertilized eggs and the embryos taken at various times over the last 3 days. It was a really cool thing and I’m so glad they did it — if I have a complaint at all about this clinic it’s that I don’t always get the depth of information I would like, but this was great.

Of the 3 embryos we didn’t transfer, 1 was also morulizing but none of them look very good and the lab is not optimistic that we will have anything to freeze. So, you know, this is really it. The last chance.

There are many posts percolating in my head about feelings and emotional journeys and other schmaltzy stuff, but I don’t think I can even go there yet. I’m just going to sit for a spell with the fact that there are 2 embryos inside my uterus right now.

* My blog, my made-up pluralizations.

day 2 update

We have embryos!

As of yesterday morning, all 5 fertilized eggs divided. When the clinic called me yesterday we had the following:

  • 1 5-cell embryo rated Good
  • 1 4-cell embryo rated Good
  • 1 4-cell embryo rated Fair
  • 1 3-cell embryo rated Fair
  • 1 2-cell embryo rated Poor

Both my husband and I were pretty emotional hearing this news. Those are actual embryos, actual potential people, and I don’t think either of us thought we would get this far.

Transfer is today. I will be back later with all the gory details … and maybe some embryo pictures.


Of the 7 eggs, 5 were mature and they ALL FERTILIZED.

As far as we know, this is the first time we have ever had fertilization. Ever. At all. And now there are 5 little fertilized eggs just mashing our genetic material together in the lab. It’s kind of magic.

Tomorrow we find out if any of them divided.