i’m not here, this isn’t happening*

Ye gods, but I’m depressing.

I’m starting to feel that familiar drawing away again.  Wanting to stop being present as things happen.  And even as I write this post my stream of consciousness is doing this:

I should write a post about the Smearing of Trayvon Martin and how it relates to the Slut-Shaming of Sandra Fluke (who is, of course, alive while Martin is dead so of course it’s not a comparison that should imply equality of experience) but that wouldn’t really fit in with the usual tenor of this blog and besides, people smarter than I am have already done this so what would I be adding to the conversation?  This post is supposed to be about IUI #3, which was this morning and while we were in the waiting room we heard that someone had won that Mega-Millions jackpot and what would I do if I had all that money?  I could pay down our debts, buy a house, pay for ALL the rounds of IVF (that’s mine and yours, ladies), put my nieces and nephew through college, secure my mom’s retirement, start a new ensemble, and then I get lost in what to do with the rest of it.  Human rights, health care, arts funding, education of women and girls, scientific research.  So much money, so much power, so many people I could help.  But this post is supposed to be about IUI #3, which was this morning and tomorrow I have to finish doing our taxes which are extra complicated this year because of the grant my husband got last fall and I am crossing my fingers that the accounting for the project is good enough even though I know we made a few mistakes with it.  But this post is supposed to be about IUI #3, which was this morning.

I am having trouble focusing on that.  That’s why How to Disappear Completely seemed like a good theme song for today.

I’m not here, this isn’t happening.

Some true facts:  My HSG showed clear tubes and no scarring.  It also showed an arcuate uterus, which was not obvious on the image from 2009 due to all the fibroids.  As usual my Google-fu is lacking (largely because I am not smart enough to read medical research) but it seems to me that people with arcuate uteri can and do make babies in them.

More true facts:  Today’s sperm count was 23 million (holy shit, husband!) with 37.7% motility.  Post-wash numbers:  40 million, 21.7% motile.  With a .5 ml volume used in the insemination, that’s 4.34 million sperm hopefully making their way up my tubes with another 15.66 million just hanging out.

I’m not here, this isn’t happening.

No facts here:  We have started to talk about how many of these we are willing to do.  How many is too many?  How many is enough?  Why is no one looking at the sperm morphology and what difference does it make?  Why have I never been pregnant, not for one minute, in three and a half years?  If we do IVF, how will we pay for it?  When do we tell my in-laws what is going on?  How many of these do we do?

I’m not here, this isn’t happening.

It’s hard for me to focus on this.  I feel like infertility has become a moving target and I’m just too slow.  I don’t know what I think, I don’t know what I want, and I don’t know how many more of these I can do.

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9 responses to “i’m not here, this isn’t happening*

  1. Maybe it’s good not to focus on it. To let your mind wander. To distract yourself. The facts seem good, but I know that’s not necessarily reassuring. Still, I hope you won’t have to keep having the if/when discussions about what to do next. I hope this is the one.

  2. Yay for the HSG. Yay for the super sperm. One day at a time, sister. That’s the only way to stomach this shit. And one of those could have been your lucky swimmer.

  3. Yeah, this is a perfect post considering where you are. The mind, it continually whirls. My therapist told me to quiet those thoughts, which I found 1,000,000,000% impossible. I’m glad you’re all full of top quality sperm again. This will probably be of 0 comfort, but a bunch of the women I read ended up getting the golden ticket with an IUI that was not noticeably different from any previous one. It just, you know, worked. Please, please, sweet baby jesus, let this be your golden ticket.

    You are smart enough for anything, but yeah, I thought arcuate uterus was not a problem unless it’s really extreme. (Lord, you must feel like they keep on finding new exciting things up in there! I still want to kill the fuck out of that old RE who didn’t believe in the fibroids…)

    I can totally imagine why you’d be stuck on the WHY HAVE I NEVER BEEN PREGNANT? question. It seems like it HAS to mean I NEVER WILL. But there are good answers to that question. Maybe less so to the question of why you’ve not gotten pregnant since the surgery and the improved MAN SEED. But hey, it takes couples with no problems at all a year sometimes. Sometimes it’s just shitty luck. And I know you’re familiar with that one.

    Thanks for writing. You know we want to hear anything you’ve got to say. Much love.

  4. I second that, Bunny. We do want to hear anything this beautiful woman has to say.

    There is no charted road here, not for your experience of IF anyway. You both will decide together what is best to do next (although, hopefully next will involve nausea, ultrasounds, an expanding belly and a birth plan). I hope the what next emerges as a clear next step for you. I hope that your husband gets hired for the tenure track position so you don’t have to be stopped in your track by the fear of where the money will come for what is next.

    you’re in my thoughts, dear woman.

  5. You have a right to bad days and to feel however you want to feel. Its hard to find the the happy medium between staying positive and staying realistic so you can prepare for the let down in case this isn’t the one. I have taken a long break from fertility treatment not only because of the cost but my last IUI cycle I felt just like you. My life was surrounded around my cycle days and counting, and worrying, and doubting, and hoping, and praying. After that BFN I had to take a break because I was an emotional mess. So with that said it is ok to stop for a while to have some close to normal days as possible to just live if this cycle isnt the one. Don’t decide if this is the last one now, you have to recoop and get your mind straight and then you can decide when you are ready. But remember, stay positive. You do have an egg and you do have super sperm…so it CAN happen. 🙂 Ill be praying for you.

  6. Oh, when I saw that video link I knew that this post wouldn’t be a happy one. Radiohead may have written the saddest song that has every been written, but I find it to be very comforting when I’m feeling sad. It’s wonderful to think about being able to just not be HERE for a while (despite all that advice to BE HERE NOW. Sometimes it would be nice to be somewhere else for a little while.

    I have lots of good thoughts coming your way. The only think I can tell you about all the what ifs that you’re thinking about is that they are just that — a big what if, and you can’t possibly plan for all of them. So, just choose a few and maybe focusing on those will make you feel better.

    Or just listen to that song a few more times and imagine being somewhere else for a bit…

  7. It’s hard not knowing where this road will take us, and how much is too much, I guess you’ll just know in your heart when you are done or need to move on to something else like IVF. Best of luck with this IUI, one thing at a time they say.

  8. love your posts. you are always so thoughtful and well-spoken (written?). just stopping in to let you know i am thinking of you. xoxo.

  9. I didn’t want to pollute my congratulations to your husband, but the calendar says this two week wait’s about over. I hope the universe is about to deliver a double whammy of amazing news. But if you already know it ain’t, well, I’m glad you at least got a single whammy.

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