i hear it’s windy

For those of you keeping score at home, yes, it is 4:00 in the morning again.

My last post was a long-winded lead-up to the talk my husband and I had last night.  It started out being about my job; my husband thinks my job is the root of all my problems, and he is constantly trying to get me to march into my boss’s office and tell her where to go.  Unfortunately if I were to do that, neither one of us would have a job and we would be on the express train to living in my mother’s spare room.

And no one wants that.

Anyway, he sees me tired, frustrated, and literally sick with worry, and he figures I should solve the problem by just quitting.  But that wouldn’t do it.  It would be moving in the opposite direction of my uncle’s fantastic advice to “put family first.”  Regardless of the obvious idiocy of quitting the only job in the household, it would put us even farther away from the possibility of parenthood.  We went back and forth on this for a while last night — he says he can’t stand to see me like this, I say I can’t imagine how much worse I would be if I didn’t know where the rent money was coming from.

He asks how he can help me feel better; I tell him that the number one thing he can do is try to find work.

He tells me he feels like I don’t want to spend time with him; my heart breaks a little because it’s so, so not true.  We both agree that the last six months have been very, very bad for our relationship and we can’t keep going like this.

He says he’ll find a job and then I can quit without worrying.

Yes, that’s exactly the idea.

I tell him about my secret plan, which I haven’t mentioned to him at all before because I was afraid of his reaction.

In my secret plan, I expand my neverending job search outside of our current city.  He does the same.  In the ultra top-secret version that I don’t even let myself think about too often, we both actually find jobs and move to Chicago.

Alert readers may or may not be aware that Chicago is in fact located in Illinois, which is one of the magical states that mandates insurance coverage for infertility treatment.  (Do they really exist?)

My plan has been a secret for a while now because I haven’t wanted him to feel pressured.  This spring his priority, and by extension our family priority, has been getting him through his degree.  He did it, and I’m so proud of him.  But now it’s time to put family first.

Becoming a parent is definitely at the top of my emotional list, but we haven’t done a goddamn thing about it since we got the bad news from the urologist last fall.  And as you may or may not know, I am in fact getting older every single day!  Sometimes I think I can actually feel my eggs aging.  We can’t fuck around for another three years (has it really been three years?).  There can be no more “wait and see if it happens.”

My husband acknowledged for the first time last night that IVF/ICSI really is what we will need to do to get me pregnant.  He has been extremely optimistic so far, thinking if we just keep trying it will happen naturally, but I think he’s starting to see just how long we’ve been trying and how well that’s (not) working for us.  As for me, I’ve been working through my issues with IVF, and while I still viscerally don’t want to do it, I think it would be much, much worse never to try and to be eighty years old wondering if that would have been the golden ticket.

So I trotted out the secret plan.

I was very, very nervous about telling him because I know he has strong ties to our current city and I didn’t know how willing he would be to make active plans to leave.  He has really found a place for himself here as an artist, and I don’t ever want him to feel like I am trying to take that away from him.  But he can see how unhappy I am, and have been now for what seems like forever, and he did ask me what he could do to help.

He said he would be willing to move, provided we were able to find work, of course.

So as soon as I get back from the festival I’m doing in a couple of weeks, I’m going to expand my neverending job search, and he will hopefully do the same, effective immediately.  Unfortunately I am just about the least-employable person imaginable, so I have no illusions that we will actually succeed at this.

But at least we will have tried.

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10 responses to “i hear it’s windy

  1. Oh my goodness–there’s so much in this post (and the last one). It sounds like you had one of those Really Important Conversations, and I hope you are both feeling tons better. (I know we always do on the rare occasions when we actually communicate with each other instead of just taking about what to make for dinner…) I’m so happy that you have a dream plan, even if it may take a shit ton of work to make it actually happen. It sounds wonderful to me, particularly since I love Chicago. It’s the place we talk about going back to if I don’t get tenure… And it’s huge and intimidating, but also full of opportunity, and there are plenty of places to live that won’t break the bank provided you don’t need to live in a snazzy area… I don’t have many connections there anymore, but if I can help in any way, please let me know. I have to believe that this plan will work.

  2. I always find that just having a plan that we’ve decided on together makes a huge difference in my immediate stress relief. Hope things work out so you can move, and for your hubby to get a great job! Financial stuff is so hard to deal with on top of everything else you’re going through :(.

  3. That’s great that you finally got to talk things through and hubby seems on board. I happen to love Chicago and have always thought it would be awesome to live there. I hope things work themselves out soon!

    Btw, I think I may actually hold the title of “least-employable person imaginable”, at least as far as a career in the arts here in my town in concerned!

  4. So glad your secret plan went over well. It is a fabulous plan and yes, mandated IF coverage is real and aside from short insurance approval waits, it rocks. Don’t sell yourself short on your employability. I am thrilled for your new plan of action and the exciting opportunities ahead. Having difficult conversations is vital, it puts family first.

  5. St. Elsewhere

    Go you!

    Am glad you had that frank conversation with your hubby. You can’t leave your sucky job coz where else the money will come from? And if he works you will have some peace of mind.

    I hope Chicago will see your boppity selves soon!

  6. Though not to as extreme a degree as you guys, we’ve been going through the same marriage-wrecking time-suck lately. My husband’s job is laying people off, forcing the remaining people to work 7 days a week, and he’s been sent on travel for work at the last minute for a week at a time, without so much as time to say goodbye in person. It’s really starting to get to me. We’ve been lucky enough to have, like 2 weekends in the past 2 months to hang out and recharge, and even though we’ve spent those weekends mostly doing housework, it’s done wonders for the stress and tension levels. But it’s not enough, it’s just not. 1-2 weekends every 2-3 months to actually see my husband? If it doesn’t back off soon, he’s going to look for another job. It really does suck to deal with.

  7. You are one smart cookie! I do hope that such a move becomes a possibility for you, starting with your husband jumping on board as an appetizer, followed by job offers as the main dish, and ending with a baby as dessert!

    Well, you know what I mean :-).

  8. I’m so glad he took your plan well. And I agree with others above that having a plan is a great first step to making you happier. We are kind of in the opposite situation — my husband is unhappy in his job (while I love mine), and I’m trying to convince him to look for something else, even if that means starting an independent business and cutting down financially for a while, but he’s so concerned, both with the finances and with what others will think… and it makes me really sad to see him so unhappy, but I don’t know what to do to help him. The whole no-baby-thing isn’t helping either, of course, though I was initially the one pushing for ttc — he’d have waited a few more years but now I think it’s really hitting him harder than expected, even though he rarely admits that.
    Thinking of you guys, and wishing you best of luck!

  9. Sounds like big changes ahead, and maybe that’s just what the doctor ordered. It’s hard to reconcile all the needs we have as humans with the little time we have to fulfill those needs. Especially in a country where it all seems to hinge on money. I know that you don’t feel very employable, but obviously you have a job right now, which by my calculations, means you could get another job in the future. In Chicago. Where benefits include fertility treatments. YEAH!

  10. TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS WAITS FOR YOU IN THE LAND OF LINCOLN!

    That is the coverage mandated if the firm is based in IL. I bet there are other restrictions likely around size and number of employees, but $25k is $25k. You rip through it fast, it covered me for a cycle and a half.

    Come forward! I wait here too!

    I would spin, weave and knit you a glorious red carpet my friend!

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