insomnia

So apparently four in the morning is the Hour of Blogging.  I’ll have to put that in my day planner:

  • Midnight — witching hour
  • 2:00 a.m. — last call
  • 4:00 a.m. — blogging

What do you ladies do when you can’t sleep?  Me, I think about all the things that used to be fun.

Like sex.

Remember when sex was fun?  I do.  Kind of.

It didn’t used to be tied up with guilt and counting of days and shame and stress and failure.  Sex didn’t used to be the kind of thing I could fail at.  But here we are coming up on three years of failure and it’s hard to remember back when it was something we did just because we felt like it.

My long-suffering husband wishes I was not an emotional disaster needing to be handled with kid gloves, so there’s that extra added layer of failure:  not only am I failing to conceive, I’m also ruining my marriage by freezing out the only person who loves me.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.  It’s so late that it’s early, and I can’t sleep, and I’m just kind of a mess.

And this, ladies, is why I don’t blog much.  Because my posts look like this.  Is this even in fucking English?

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8 responses to “insomnia

  1. I can relate to your feelings about sex. It used to be fun (and still is, sometimes), but ever since I’ve realized that it will never get me pregnant, now I can’t help but think of how pointless it is. Weird feeling, considering there was a time when it wasn’t about that, but there it is.

    I enjoy reading what you write. Hope you got some sleep.

  2. I love to read everything you write, edited and weighty and shit, less edited, it’s all good stuff. Everything you’ve written about your husband makes him sound like a great guy, but I have this weird feeling that he’s not perfect either. But I bet you’re gonna stick by him because of his amazing qualities, and I hope to god he feels the same. Let’s see–when I can’t sleep I think of all the ways in which I am an inadequate failure. Why is it these trains of thought are so much harder to escape in the dead of night?

  3. Sex. *Sigh*

    I used to be the one in our marriage with the higher sex drive. Timed intercourse didn’t actually ruin it for us for the first year. But when we got the MFI diagnosis…man, fuck. Everything became all about the 2-5 days of abstinence, before S/As, before egg retrieval, before ovulation when we were “trying naturally”. And i started watching him like a hawk over vitamins and cell phones in pockets and shit. And then I went on an SSRI and it decreased my drive, and then the miscarriage, and now pelvic rest…

    We IFers do not have sexy sex lives. Either we’re counting or crying or using it to ignore reality. (Maybe I’m just speaking for myself here though.)

  4. First of all, I feel your insomnia pain. I have a sleep schedule that makes a 4am bedtime early – even when I’m exhausted.
    Sorry you are having such negative feelings about sex. I can relate, I find that it feels completely pointless, and my and DH’s intimate life has gotten shamefully empty. Even cuddling is out of the question these days. Wish I had advice, but none comes to mind. Lots of hugs though.

  5. First of all, Toni Morrison wrote some of her best stuff in the middle of the night. Second, your post was totally coherent, and smart to boot!

    In some ways I was lucky. Almost as soon as we started trying, I was diagnosed as anovulatory so my partner and I never had illusions that we’d be making babies at home. I guess that’s one thing my male partner and I have in common with queer couples — sex and getting children are unrelated.

    On the other hand, the shot, the ovarian hyperstimulation and the early morning probes don’t make me horny.

    When I can’t sleep, I sweep the floor.

  6. IF fucks up your sex life, turns it upside down, inside out, backwards… We used to have so much sex, I actually got bored of it at one point. Now? Only when necessary. It’s easier not to. Something we’re trying to work on (quite unsuccessfully, too). When it happens it feels awesome, in the obvious way and because you can reconnect. Nice when you spend so long circling each other.

  7. Sex. Ha!

    When I am dealing with insomnia I usually play on the Internet. But I should really be reading. But the Internet is so much fun!

  8. Sex is reserved for porn stars.

    Duh.

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