This is not going well.  I am starting to feel that paralyzing doubt again.  I’m not posting much lately, that’s true, but it’s not that I’m not thinking about it.  I’m staring at the “new post” window, sometimes even writing something, then deciding it’s crappy or insignificant or boring or whiny and then deleting.  The same with comments.  I’m reading your posts, really, I am, and I’m typing out comments but then I can’t bring myself to submit them.  I feel like I have nothing to add to the conversation.

My whole life right now is centered around functioning.  I am going to work, I am going to rehearsal, I am teaching my lessons, I did another music festival last week (I will post about it if I can bring myself to do it), but whenever I’m not absolutely obligated to be focusing on something I am numbing out with television.  It feels like I can’t be alone with my thoughts for even one second and need to be distracted all the time.  The only time I am really thinking about what’s going on with me is in my therapy sessions, and I’m a total fucking mess.  I just sit there and cry.  I can’t put together a coherent narrative for the new therapist because I can’t focus on myself without panicking.

I know that I’m doing exactly what I said I wouldn’t do, which is losing more time, but when I start to think about what I actually want out of life I start panicking.  And if I want to get through what I have to get through in the immediate sense (work, rehearsal, teaching), I can’t afford to be panicked.  So I push it all down and watch more episodes of Angel (curse you, Netflix) and wait till the next “have-to,” when I pull it all together again and function for a few more hours.  I haven’t updated my 2011 page in over a week because I got tired of writing “just work again” for every single day.

I can’t even think about infertility.

I feel like I just need a break.  That’s what I kept saying in my last therapy session.  I need time.  A break from my life.  A break from myself.  A break from my goddamn unending internal monologue of failure.

Life has not always been this way.  But it’s hard to see how it could ever be different.

And I need to stop writing now because I’ve got that tightness in my chest and stomach and it’s getting hard to breathe again.  I am so weak.

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8 responses to “

  1. A post or comment from you is wonderful, because of all the you in it. Post and comment when you can, and when it’s too hard, know that we are still here and still with you in thought.
    I’m sorry that everything is so damn hard right now. Can you just let that be without also pounding on yourself for escaping through watching tv? Can you find the caring friend inside and use that voice to talk to yourself for 2 minutes everyday?
    Thank you for letting us know how difficult things have become for you. It signals to me that I want to check in more often and make sure you know that I support you. I know you wanted us to remind you if you got off track from your plan of fully living your life. But I don’t think right now that you need to be hammered with “what are you doing with yourself?” It sounds like you are giving yourself enough of that. I just want to say, thank you for writing. And awesome that you are able to take care of yourself as best as you know how during this truly awful period in your life. I believe that things won’t always be this hard. I really do.

  2. Sometimes we need nothing more than to just disconnect, turn off, check out. There is nothing wrong in that as long as we are aware of what we’re doing and recognize that it’s temporary. I think that that is true for you from what you’ve written. You don’t have to force anything. Zone out with TV when need be – for days at a time if that’s what it takes. Thinking of you.

  3. Have you tried any meditation? I have a couple meditation cd’s (one isn’t fertility-based, but more for anxiety, etc) that really help quiet my mind and are great to fall asleep to. I can let my thoughts really run away with me at times.
    Netflix is perfect for numbing the brain. I was sick this past week and have been watching hours of Grey’s Anatomy (I was overseas when the show started, and never got into it when we moved back…but now I’m so addicted!). It does feel good to disconnect, vege out and just give ourselves a break…from ourselves. Sometimes you just do what you have to do to make it through the day.

  4. This sounds so rough and acute, and I wish there were some easy solution. Or hell, even a hard one! I agree with the others that there’s nothing wrong with disengaging as a *short-term* coping mechanism, and sometimes it’s all we can manage. Having goals is great, too, but NOT if failing to meet all of them all the time becomes another source of self-blame. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it and have earned it. And hey, if writing something regularly might help you feel connected, screw the judgment and just post it. We love your more sublime and thought provoking posts, but we care about you for your sake, and not for the sake of what you write.

  5. Late to the game as usual lately. I hope this note finds you feeling a little better. It is all ups and downs, isnt it?

    I had someone tell me once that the meds I take just evens out the ground – nothing too high and nothing too low. I think she was wrong. I can still get that feeling of sadness, it just doesnt feel like despair anymore. Even though I am not there anymore, I remember how cold it was to be in that place. I am sorry you are feeling it.

    Keep posting. It is always great to hear from you.

  6. It can all catch up, whatever your “all” is, and I’m sorry you’re in that place. I love your posts and appreciate your comments – and, hey, who cares if you can’t comment right now, or if you can only eke out a few words for a post, or nothing at all? This is your space to do what you want with. But do keep writing – we’ll miss you, otherwise, and even when I feel like I’m driveling or boring the (2) people who read my blog, it feels good to have a connection to all of you, who have been my lifeline – it’s one way, one easy way, to keep tethered to the world when I’ve felt everything else is drifting out of reach.

    Hope you’re doing better now – keep us updated.

  7. I’m sorry it’s so hard right now. Sometimes functioning is all we can do… Hoping you feel better soon.

  8. An escape, an opportunity to disconnect from everything if even for just a day. You deserve it and should treat yourself to it. I know how difficult it can be and even when disconnected truly allowing yourself to just be is impossible. During times like this, as I’m sure you know, it’s important to surround yourself with family and friends that know and understand you. You’ve been through a lot so you shouldn’t get down on yourself. Everything will turn around in due time.

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