Next month I will have been at my job for three years. I actually started in February of 2008 as a part-time transitional person before the person I was replacing left, but I officially got the job and came on full time in March 2008.
Getting this job was our first step to TTC. We counted one year forwards from my start date since that’s when I would become eligible for FMLA. March 2009. We counted seven months back from that, thinking that if I were to get pregnant right away I might not be able to work all the way to my due date. August 2008.
We got rid of the contraception. We knew it might take a while and weren’t really disappointed when September, October, November, and December all rolled by.
In January 2009 we moved into our current apartment. It has a second bedroom.
That same month I took my first pregnancy test in years.* I was not even late but I also wasn’t spotting, so I had hope. I’ll never forget the joy in my husband’s face when I told him I needed a test. I sat in the bathroom and waited for that line to appear. Two minutes. Three minutes. Ten minutes. Half an hour.
In March 2009 it happened again. I was two days late. I tested. I failed. We went to see the in-laws for Passover, where I holed up in the guest room and bawled. I was starting to think there was something wrong. That’s the last time I took a pregnancy test.**
Since March 2009 I have only been tempted to test once, and my period started before I even had a chance. My cycles are like freaking clockwork.
I read so many of your stories, and I wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? I mean, I’m grateful not to have experienced pregnancy loss, but in two and a half years I have never had even a chemical pregnancy.
I feel like such a fool every time I look into that second bedroom, which of course is full of computer stuff and old junk.
I keep circling around the idea of IVF, and I think I am coming around to it. My husband wants to do it. I just can’t get over the risk. One chance, everything on the table, and not one shred of real evidence that it could work. I have absolutely no data to support even the idea that I could become pregnant. Not a miscarriage, not a chemical, not (thank god) an ectopic. Not once. Not ever.
Is this because of the MFI? Or is there something really, really wrong with me? And how would I know?***
I can’t keep looking into that empty bedroom for the rest of my life.
*There were some moments of panic in my callow youth before I knew I was broken.
**Unless you count the beta they did before my surgery. It is to laugh.
***And the question I really want to ask: What’s it like? How does it feel? Tell me all about it. The moment when you see that line, or get the call with your beta results. Not what happens after. Just that moment. What’s it like?