15 pounds

I was getting dressed last weekend and pulled on a favorite pair of jeans.  Broken in, a little ratty, definitely weekends-only.*  Much to my surprise they felt really loose, and I was even able to slip them on and off without unbuttoning.  I started thinking about how this could be — do jeans stretch in the wash?  Had they always been this baggy?  Was I sure they were buttoned?  Were they even my jeans?

It took me a really long time even to consider the possibility that I’d lost weight.

I haven’t been dieting, and since July I haven’t been getting much exercise at all; I have just been assuming that I am continuing to lard it up as I have been for the past few years.  But this jeans thing was really perplexing — how did I get from comfy weekend wear to can’t-go-grocery-shopping-in-these-because-they-might-fall-off?  So I dug the scale out of the closet where it’s been gathering dust among the other unwanted bathroom detritus.

Imagine my surprise when I found that I’ve lost 15 pounds.  I actually weighed myself several times, thinking the scale must not have been sitting level, but it does seem to be true, and Occam’s razor (sadly, not found in my bathroom closet) tells me that it is a likely explanation for the Mysterious Expanding Jeans.

Holy shit.  How did I lose the weight of a respectably-sized Thanksgiving turkey without noticing?  It’s 9 percent of my weight.  Where did it go?

While weight loss is always welcome (someday I will fit back into those pretty clothes I bought while living overseas), I do find it a little alarming that I am apparently so disconnected from my own body that this happened without my being aware of it.  It’s becoming more and more clear that I really did lose 2010 in so many ways, and that the number-one thing I need to work on is just showing up for my own life.  Not medicating myself by numbing out with the iPod or the TV or righteous political anger — but actually breathing in my own space and noticing what the fuck is happening around me, and even (maybe) participating.

That’s why I started my 2011 page.  I’m tracking my progress on the goals from my New Year post, and while I’m not doing so well so far, at least I’m paying attention.  And that’s already better than last year.

*One of the perks of working for peanuts at a nonprofit is that no one cares if I wear jeans to work as long as they’re in very good condition.

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4 responses to “15 pounds

  1. Sounds like you are on your way to increased self-awareness, G&L. Also, bonus on the weight loss! I think showing up for our own lives is so hard to do, especially amidst busy lives. More prominently though, I feel like when I experience pain to a level I no longer feel I can tolerate, I start cutting myself off from my own experience as a means to not feel the pain so acutely. That’s been my work for years. Sounds like you are on a similar mission. Just wanted to let you know that I’m cheering for you, dear woman. Welcome to your own life.

  2. I used to drop weight really fast when I was stressed out – I think it’s genetic, since my sisters do the same thing. A lot of it is definitely awareness of your body and your health – whether or not you are eating well, getting sleep, basically taking care of yourself.
    Good luck with your goals for 2011! Your body will appreciate the extra attention :).

  3. Wow 15 pounds is a lot to disappear unnoticed.

    “the number one thing I need to work on is just showing up for my own life”. Said so perfectly and something I need to pay more attention to as well. I never really thought about how I was avoiding myself by zoning out to TV or my Ipod. You’ve got me thinking now G&L….

    Hugs to you. x

  4. Well shucks! Hurrah for the dropped pounds, but that is really a startling difference to be unaware of. Your 2011 page makes me feel really, really lazy. You have such a full life! I can’t believe you could come home after work and teaching and rehearsal and STILL MAKE BROWNIES! You amaze me. I hope tracking your goals is a great motivator!

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