another new year post…

…just what the world needs, right?

I lost 2010.  I lost it to depression and stagnation.  I lost it to anger and hopelessness.  I lost it to the scar on my belly.  I lost it to my inability to find a new job.  I lost it to worry, and anxiety, and inertia.

The last time I felt like I had a new start I totally blew it.  There I was, all hopeful and shit, and then MFI whacked us in the side of the head.  And I went back down the rabbit hole for four more months.

I will not lose 2011.

Presuming that I will not miraculously become pregnant and that I will not miraculously find a fabulous new job, my life is where it is.  It is not going to change radically.  And here’s the kicker:  It is not that bad. I refuse to lose another year of what is actually a pretty good life because I’m focused on what I don’t have.

Here’s what I’m already doing to make sure I don’t lose another year:

1.  I’m going back into therapy.  (Get ready for more whiny posts about it!)  I had another awful intake session at which I bawled uncontrollably and am back on the waiting list.  I will have to start over with a new counselor since my previous therapist has moved on.

2.  I’ve rearranged my schedule so that most of the lessons I teach are on the same evening.  This way instead of feeling like I’m just constantly working, having to switch gears and teach after every day at the office, then always going to rehearsal exhausted from work plus teaching, I can knock out almost all of my lessons at one go and have more free evenings.  It’s a small change but hopefully it will make a big difference.

3.  I’m going to keep taking classes at the Buddhist center.  I took my first class this fall and it was really great.

Here’s what I ASPIRE to be doing to make sure I don’t lose another year:

1.  Practice more. When I don’t find the time to practice I feel terrible about my playing, rehearsals aren’t any fun, and my anxiety is ramped up because I’m terrified that I will be kicked out of the ensemble I founded.

2.  Get back to yoga. I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t really been getting any exercise at all over the past few months.  My job is pretty sedentary, and all I want to do when I get home is go to bed.  But I know that everything feels better when I’m practicing yoga, so I’m going to start again.  It’s going to be awful for a while since I’m so out of shape but it will be a good lesson in acceptance and right effort.

3.  Develop a meditation practice. Currently I have a “hmm, I should start meditating more regularly” guilt practice.

4.  Be present in my home. This fall I stopped cooking.  I nearly stopped cleaning as well and our apartment was absolutely disgusting until a few weeks ago when I broke down and paid to have it cleaned.*  I love my apartment and I love cooking.  I am happier when I take the time to notice my home, which I have created and of which I am proud, and when I take the time to care for my home and my family.

5.  Don’t jump ahead to DOOM.** I have a big problem with spinning things out way beyond where they need to go.  I get from a bad day at work to (in my mind) getting fired and moving in with my mother in no time flat.  Similarly, I get from CD1 to eternal barrenness without passing Go.  Jumping ahead when there is no reason to do so is a huge factor in my anxiety and I need to slow the fuck down and think about what’s happening right now.

So here’s where I need you, my wonderful readers and commenters.  I’m asking.

Help me.

In three months when I’m sobbing because I can’t stop telling myself my whole life is a failure, or when all I’m posting about is the black hole of a future with no children ever, remind me that I WILL NOT lose 2011.

In six months when I’m complaining that I’m so out of shape and my playing is terrible, remind me that these are problems I know how to fix. I am not helpless, my life is not actually a disaster, and I WILL NOT lose 2011.

One lost year is enough.

*Holy crap, that was expensive!

**Totally stole the use of “Doom” from Mara at barfing rainbows.


13 responses to “another new year post…

  1. Loved this post. I could have written a lot of it. I know how it is to feel so horrible about things but to know my life is actually a good one that I should be enjoying.

    I will be cheering you on and helping you to not lose 2011!! 🙂

  2. I will be here to remind you of this excellent post. 😉

    It takes time to get a hold of life again, but it sounds like you’re determined and on the right track. A little yoga, meditation and feeling more present in your life will hopefully deter you from ever finding yourself in a doom scenario before things even get going.

  3. These all sound great! I think you are so right to focus on things that can move you in a positive direction and are realistic and completely within your control.

  4. I will be there to remind you too. I lI’ve this post, life is full and it blows to waste so much energy on wanting and wishing and thinking about what could be, Staying present and living life, excellent goals for 2011.
    I ordered Loving Kindness, btw, did I already tell you that?
    Happy New Year.

  5. Those are great things to focus on for 2o11! I need to get back into yoga myself. There’s no reason I can’t do it every day now, and I always feel so much better when I do…but still I don’t set aside the time to do it. Sigh.
    I’m glad you’re getting started with therapy again. Hopefully this new year brings great things for you!

  6. These are all such great changes and goals. I’m also glad you’re starting therapy again, and that it’s with someone new. A new perspective could be really great right about now. Moving your lessons to one night is pure genius. I bet it will make a huge difference and hope it does. I hope 2011 is kind to you–you deserve it so much!

  7. DOOM!

    (sorry, I couldn’t resist!)

    I think that is a great attitude. And I’m glad that you’re starting therapy again, too – like bunny said, a perspective could be just what you need.

    I really hope 2011 is kind to you, too. You will not lose 2011!!!!

  8. Of course, the world needs another New Year’s post…and that would be mine. Unfortunately my mouldy brain refuses to compose one!

    I read your previous post as well – and I think there is a plan at hand for you. And yes, 34 is NOT old.

    The things on your will-do list look great…have fun doing all that. And good luck to your hubby finishing his degree and getting a good job!

  9. Nope! You will not lose 2011 because you are done with that shit. And we will remind you. It sounds like you have some plans to make inhabiting the life you already have more possible. I love it! And I support you in your intentions.
    Happy New Year, dear woman.

  10. Damn I am so lazy and so behind in all that I should be doing that I am just going to steal your list and make it my own. I will hold you accountable if you do the same for me.

    I ate cookies for breakfast.

  11. Pingback: 15 pounds | ginger and lime

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