So as you may have gathered from my last post, the verdict is in from the urologist.  My husband is very upset about it; as I think I’ve mentioned before, this whole mess hits him a lot closer now than it did when I was the one with the problem.

That phenomenon doesn’t work in reverse, though:  I certainly don’t feel any better now.

For the first time I’m staring into the yawning gap of never.

Even if we manage to scrape together the money for IVF (from my piggy bank, of course), we’ll have one shot and one shot only, barring some huge change in our circumstances like moving to a state with mandated insurance coverage.  Will I be able to live with myself if I fail?

I don’t want to do it.  My instincts are still screaming no, but for the first time there is another voice.  One that says never.

Never pregnant.  Never giving birth.

And that’s the voice that will win the day if I don’t try IVF.

Can I live with never, and can I live with taking away my husband’s only chance too?  Because the thing about IVF/ICSI is that it’s made for people like us:  he has some sperm, and all the RE would need to do is pick the very best ones.  I don’t have an ovulation problem, so I would be a good candidate to get to retrieval at least.  My husband wants this.  He wants to be a father.

But if we try it, and I fail?  I will have literally mortgaged our future and we will still be looking at never.

I am not cut out for this shit.


13 responses to “neverland

  1. This is such a hard decision. I, too, think about never, and whether never with having failed is worse, or better, or the same as never having tried [IVF].
    Is there any particular reason to rush? Because, while I hate the fact that we won’t be doing any treatments next year, if you still are in such different places emotionally maybe taking a break could be good. (Feel free to ignore the assvice, of course)
    Hang in there. Thinking of you.

  2. There is no easy way to make these decisions! I think that’s because there is no right decision – it’s gotta be what BOTH of you can live with.
    I’m so sorry 😦

  3. Oh, what a difficult choice, and I would have to agree with the comment above, do you have to decide now?
    Personally, not trying again would leave me with HUGE regrets that I do not think I would be able to get over, ever. But everyone is different. Sit with this for a while and I hope that a decision will come to you.
    I am sorry about the hubs news.

  4. I’m really sorry, G&L. This is terrible news, and you definitely need time to process it. I KNOW you guys will wind up moving forward and finding a way to resolve things, whether through IVF, adoption, or whatever you path ends up being… but in the meantime, it’s a lot. ‘Never’ has a lot of weight.

  5. We seem to be in the minority in this community, but to us, potentially bankrupting ourselves (or at least putting ourselves in a very tight financial spot) for the CHANCE of success with IVF did not make sense.

    BUT that is us. In my mind, it’s hard to justify IVF when your diagnosis is “unexplained” and your RE has said the most likely reason for your IF is “old eggs” (which is not helped at all by IVF).

    Your situation is different from ours. You are younger than I (though I confess, I cannot remember your exact age), and you have a diagnosed issue for which IVF is indicated.

    I guess it really boils down to you and your husband doing a lot of thinking and talking about which path would make you feel better about your decision, assuming the worst case scenario. (Obviously, if you achieve pregnancy naturally OR via IVF, you are going to think you made the “right” choice.) Will you feel worse ending up with tens of thousands of dollars in debt and no baby, or worse deciding not to give IVF a go?

    Only you two can decide this.

  6. Never is a dangerous word to throw around. I find that people who use it end up eating their words. I hope it’s the case for you.

    BTW, I’m terrible at reading between the lines. What did the urologist say?

  7. This is at the problem with IVF. It’s like, if THIS doesn’t work, THEN what? And that is terrifying and heartbreaking to even consider. I support you no matter what. And for what it’s worth, this random person you’ve never met (me) believes with her entire heart that you will get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby….somehow, some way. xo

  8. Oops. And by “no matter what” I meant no matter what you DECIDE!

  9. Oh G&L. We’re all scared of ‘never’. I’m scared shitless of ‘never’. It’s the opposite of hope and it is just so final and black.

    Ugh, I’m just so sorry, I know how un-keen you are for IVF and it does add more pressure if there is a known sperm problem as its hard to come up with any solutions better than IVF.

    I wish there was some way to give you a guarantee that everything will work out ok. It’s all we all want, just an assurance that we will indeed get our happy ending. It’s probably really important to note that IVF does indeed work for A LOT of people on the first round. And like you said, you fit beautifully into the text book success case.

    Obviously its a decision that only you and your DH can make but sometimes as scary as it is to make the leap, it’s even scarier to sit back and wonder what if i’d just tried?

    Much love. x

  10. It’s a massive and complex decision to make, one that I know all about. Trust your gut instinct, and don’t beat yourself up over what if’s. Whatever you choose will be right for you.

  11. Suky, sucky, sucky situation to be in. There’s just no pretty face to put on it. Am I remembering correctly that your husband is in grad school at the moment? Meaning, someday your financial situation might not be quite as tight? But I guess if you had all the money in the world, you still wouldn’t want to do it, for multiple other very valid reasons? I guess for me the first step would be separating those two questions. (As someone with plenty of experience living hand to mouth, I do genuinely believe the financial question can be worked out if you decide it’s what you want.) I’m sorry there are so many pressures on you. I know you guys will figure this out, and your lives will be happy and fulfilling–not in a “it’s raining unicorns way”, but in a nice, normal, “we have problems but that’s okay” way.

  12. Scary doesn’t begin to cover it. Your choices are all limited and come with massive restrictions and risks tied to them.

    The fact that it is all controlled by money is like acid on the slug. It is unbearable to make these decisions as it is, let alone when your bank account drives it.

    Time. Nothing but time can help this.

    I wish I knew what to say to you. I am sorry. It is so unfair.

  13. That is the other thing about IVF/ICSI – nobody is cut out for this shit.

    Time for tense and uncomfortable pondering. Hugs.

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