So as you may have gathered from my last post, the verdict is in from the urologist. My husband is very upset about it; as I think I’ve mentioned before, this whole mess hits him a lot closer now than it did when I was the one with the problem.
That phenomenon doesn’t work in reverse, though: I certainly don’t feel any better now.
For the first time I’m staring into the yawning gap of never.
Even if we manage to scrape together the money for IVF (from my piggy bank, of course), we’ll have one shot and one shot only, barring some huge change in our circumstances like moving to a state with mandated insurance coverage. Will I be able to live with myself if I fail?
I don’t want to do it. My instincts are still screaming no, but for the first time there is another voice. One that says never.
Never pregnant. Never giving birth.
And that’s the voice that will win the day if I don’t try IVF.
Can I live with never, and can I live with taking away my husband’s only chance too? Because the thing about IVF/ICSI is that it’s made for people like us: he has some sperm, and all the RE would need to do is pick the very best ones. I don’t have an ovulation problem, so I would be a good candidate to get to retrieval at least. My husband wants this. He wants to be a father.
But if we try it, and I fail? I will have literally mortgaged our future and we will still be looking at never.
I am not cut out for this shit.