friendship, a one-act play

This conversation is presented in its entirety.  I don’t come off very well but it’s as close as I will ever get to come to saying some of these things out loud.  I honestly do strive to approach every conversation and every interaction from a perspective of compassion and empathy, but sometimes the snark will out.  Even though I know she was only trying to help.  I am a terrible person.

Friend:  Hey, what’s going on with you with the whole fertility thing?  It’s been a few months since that surgery!

Ginger*:  Well, actually it looks like there is another problem.  It’s very unlikely we will be able to conceive naturally.

Lime**:  Are you fucking kidding me? Am I having this conversation?

Friend:  Oh, that’s too bad.  So what are you going to do?

Ginger:  IVF would be an option, but it’s not covered by insurance so I don’t know if we’ll be able to do it.

Lime:  No, seriously, at what point will it be socially acceptable for me to crawl under the coffee table and get into the fetal position?

Friend:  Wow, how much does it cost?  Can’t you just start saving up?  I mean, you’ve got time, right?

Ginger:  Yeah, it costs about $14,000 for one cycle. Also it’s a really involved thing to do, and it can be emotionally exhausting so what I really have to work through is whether I really want to do this, knowing that I will have one chance and one chance only.

Lime:  Yeah, I’ll start saving up.  I’ll just drop my spare change in a piggy bank at the end of each day.  Surely I’ll hit 14 grand in no time!  Even faster if I cut back on luxuries like rent and electricity.

Friend:  Oh, well, you can always adopt, right?  Wouldn’t that be cheaper?

Ginger:  Actually adopting from foster care may be the best option for us.  It’s something we’re looking into.

Lime:  Wow, why didn’t I ever think of that?  I’m so glad we’re having this conversation, because between this and the great suggestion to save up for IVF, I just don’t know what I would do without you!

Friend:  And if that doesn’t work out, you could always mentor someone, or be a Big Sister!  Have you ever thought of that?

Ginger:  Yeah, thanks for the suggestion!

Lime:  Yeah, because mentoring is exactly the same as having my own child.  Because what I’m looking for is Plans A, B, C, and D.  Seriously, can I just crawl under the fucking coffee table now?

*What I said out loud

**What I was thinking on the inside

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13 responses to “friendship, a one-act play

  1. Seriously, I feel for you!

    I understand it too well, that people find it so easy to offer substitute goals and plans when we are hung on just that one. Because they care for us, or do not understand the gravity or have nothing else to say, it would be too tough to deal with them. Plus, the closer they are to you, the worse it is.

  2. Sorry your friend’s insenstive comments had to add to the mix… People who haven’t experienced IF generally have noooo idea what to say. I find it’s pretty much always a ” kind of comment, even when they’re trying to be helpful.

    Def agree with WiseGuy – the closer they are, they less they say. My sister and best friend – 2 of the 3 I’ve shared indepth with, don’t offer me any support. They contend they don’t know what to say… And it makes me want to tell them to get out of my life. It rattles me.

  3. Good lord. Be a MENTOR?!??! Thanks for the ass-vice, friend.

    I’m sorry. These conversations kill me…..I never know how open or not open to be and I inevitably leave the conversation feeling like *@$^$#&*^. A friend once told me, “It’s a BABY, not rocket science.” Ummmmmm, actually, it is rocket science for many of us. Another one, “Oh well, with modern medicine everything will be fine so don’t even worry.” Oh, okay, then I won’t. GEEZ! People say ridiculously hurtful things b/c they have no clue what they’re talking about.

    Thinking of you. xoxo

  4. Mentor? Big Sister? What the fuck? Some people are so damn clueless, ill. Sorry you had to endure such a moronic conversation. I don’t think I would have handled that conversation well.

  5. You came off incredibly well, actually. I can take a certain amount of ignorance and assvice, but right around the adoption suggestion, it would be a punch in the nose for Friend. (Or, more accurately, me needing to leave the room.)

  6. Wow. I have heard comments like these before–haven’t we all?–but never from a close friend and never all the in same conversation! Geesh.

    I’m sorry. I agree that you came off well and showed a lot of restraint.

  7. Mentor? Really? That is incredible. (I would sort of expect the adoption bit, there’s lots of misinformation out there, but the mentoring bit strikes me.) Unfortunately I’m not very good at hiding my feelings, so I guess at some point people will get to know what I really think about their suggestions… but well, they’ll have to live with that. We are the ones that have to live with the crap of IF, after all.

  8. People mean well, but clicheed ass-vice is usually what comes out, despite best intentions.

    I’ve actually been thinking of mentoring. I know it isn’t a substitute for having a baby of my own. I just feel like I have something to give.

  9. Woman! how could you stand not to run away screaming!! The level of cluelessness was at an all time high. Be a mentor?What?
    I’m glad you could write this out at least, and vent a little bit.
    People just don’t get it. It makes me mad.

  10. Everyone else has the answers, didn’t you know? Friends, random strangers, chimney guys…
    Why does everyone feel the need to weigh in?! And be a mentor?! REALLY. ‘Cuz that’s the same.

  11. Oh boy. What a conversation. You were so lovely and polite.
    I agree with Bunny, I would have bit my tongue up until the adoption topic got thrown in there and then I would have become snarky outside and in. You have the patience of a saint!

  12. I love you.

    I hate your friend.

  13. Oh Em Gee. That conversation would make me homicidal. Mentor? Be a Big Sister? TOTALLY THE SAME THING AS HAVING A CHILD.

    You did great. People are so dumb.

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