I am really struggling with this IVF business.  I don’t feel entirely justified in saying I don’t want to do it without having examined it thoroughly, because my husband does want to.  I feel like if I can’t come up with a good reason why not, I’ll end up agreeing to it for his sake, and I don’t think that would be a good scene.  To say the least.

I’m trying to get to some kind of place of certainty–either the ability to articulate why not, in a language that people who don’t actually share my brain would understand, or else an acceptance that this would be the next step for us.  I am guessing that this will shake out one way or another in the next few weeks, because my husband will be (finally) seeing the urologist.*

I’m continuing to avoid the RE’s office; yes, they will still be there if and when I need them, and no, I don’t really care that much if they think I’m flaky.  But I really want to get this straight in my own mind before it becomes an urgent possibility, because I know myself and I tend to take a very long time to make decisions.  If I let things play out as usual we will be having this conversation a year from now and I will never. stop. treading. water.

We are focusing on TTC naturally (as I said before, this is our first real try since the surgery since I’m finally physically up for it) for now.  Getting those fibroids out had to be good for something, right?

Your comments on my last post were so insightful and I’m grateful for all of them, so I wanted to make sure to respond to each of you up here in the daylight.

Bunny–you’re totally right about there being a continuum of hopelessness.  That’s actually a great way of putting it.  And of course we are hoping that the urologist will have good news for us as well.  Part of the issue, I think, is that with my experience over the last few years neither my husband nor I is any longer predisposed to trust what we hear from doctors without a second opinion.  So I really feel like the sperm thing is a totally open question–even though my RE is absolutely sure we’re looking at severe MFI.

Augusta–thank you for the reminder that the clinic can wait.  That is such an important thing to remember and I think I’ve been feeling a little artificial urgency since they are so persistent in trying to get me on their schedule (since, from their perspective, they know exactly what’s wrong and how to fix it).  I need to keep reminding myself that they will still be there if and when we’re ready to go back.

JS–congrats to you!  It’s always great to hear success stories.  I appreciate your perspective as well, since I’m so scared of the process it’s good to hear that it wasn’t so bad for you.

Egghunt–you’ve hit the nail on the head.  I’m not at peace with not wanting this, largely because as I said above, my husband does want it.  It feels incredibly selfish for me to basically stamp my foot and say “I don’t wanna.”  Can I be at peace with saying no to his best chance of having a biological child, or do I need to get over myself, get on the train and start mentally preparing myself to do it anyway?  I’m starting to think that’s the real question.

Gurlee–are you kidding me?  That is TOTALLY a line.  🙂

Lesley–yes, you’re right, there is no need to rush.  Deep breaths.  Also I read your last post on Evolutionary Dead End, but by the time I went back to comment I was locked out.  I guess that’s what I get for being slow–but I wanted you to know I saw it and I’m thinking of you.

S–thanks for that.  Taking the time to figure this out is exactly what we’re trying to do.

conceptionallychallenged–it sounds like we’re in similar places right now.  I hope your next cycle is the one!

Me–that’s an astute observation and I suspect you’re right.  But I don’t agree that a non-medical “adventure” is less interesting.  Sure, there are fewer snappy acronyms, but that doesn’t make it a less important story.

Sarah–thanks for that.  Relatives on both sides of the family have expressed their thoughts about my husband’s and my financial ability to care for a child.  It’s hard to know how to respond to that kind of thing, because these are people who are in the thick of raising their own children, and I know that their experiences are real and I absolutely don’t want to negate their perceptions of what it is taking for them financially.  Suffice it to say that any children I ever do manage to have will have a very different childhood than their cousins.

Lucie–yes, there is life outside TTC.  Thanks for the reminder!  I think I’m going a little crazy…  🙂

Roccie–THIRTY FOLLICLES?  No wonder you’ve got a smile on your face!

WiseGuy–don’t worry, no offense taken at all!  But it’s sweet of you to be concerned.  Thank you for sharing part of your story here.  As I mentioned way, way back in the murky past, you were one of the amazing people who inspired me to start blogging in the first place.  I just can’t get over how happy I am for you!

*He waited so long because he was taking his comprehensive exams.  Which he finished yesterday.  I am SO proud of him!!!! Hurray for husband!


6 responses to “responses

  1. Congrats and Hurray for your husband for tackling the Exam Monster!

    I understand what you are saying…and I think you are perfectly legit in wanting to do it your way. My one concern would be that your hubby also come to understand your point of view, or you getting persuaded to his….when spouses take different paths to ART, it becomes emotionally tougher to handle it.

    Take Care!

  2. Wow, HUGE congratulations to your husband!

    I hope you are able to work your way through this issue together. If it is something that your husband really wants, then yeah, you should for sure consider it for his sake (not that you should do it, but consider it seriously, which you obviously are). And definitely get a second opinion on the sperm first… I’m simply hoping that a ‘miracle baby’ will solve all of this for you…

  3. Congrats to your husband for finishing comps!!
    Actually one reason why we’re waiting is that my husband is finishing his last projects for the thesis, then he’ll write the actual thing, then defend… all of which are rather stressful, and so I don’t think adding ART to that would be a good idea.
    Hang in there. It seems you’re processing some thoughts, and I’m sure you’ll get to “the ability to articulate why not, in a language that people who don’t actually share my brain would understand” (loved that bit!) over time.

  4. It seems really smart to realize that you’ll have to arrive at a solid reason or might let yourself get talked into it. And even smarter to realize that would not be okay. I like to think if you told your husband I DON’T WANNA and that’s the end of it! he would accept that, but that’s not really how couples work. Or at least not how my marriage works! And I wonder how I’d feel in his place, now that he might be the one with the problem. (And I totally agree that it’s an open question until you get more tests! You guys have been jacked around so much it’s ridiculous!) Anyway, I’m totally rooting for you to get your way, whatever that ends up being!

  5. Make that surgery a good memory by getting nice and BFP.

  6. Take your time. Ivf is a big step and you should be certain it is what you want, for reals. I feel confident that the fibroid removal DOES make a difference!!

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