breaking up or on a break?

My RE’s office has been calling me.  I have been….let’s say, less than responsible in returning their calls.  They have been really nice about it and very persistent, and I feel like the douchebag boyfriend who doesn’t call back.  Except I’m not just blowing them off because they finally put out.

First they wanted to get me on the November IVF cycle.  Now of course it’s too late for that, so they’re talking about December or January.  As I’ve written about before, I don’t want to do IVF.  Not now, not in December or January, not in a box, not with a fox.  I’m still working through why I feel such a strong aversion, and I don’t have a complete answer yet.

My husband, on the other hand, wants to give it another 6 months naturally, then try IVF.  He figures that I am still healing, and it’s true that this cycle I’m feeling much more back to normal than last month, so this will be our first real try since the surgery.  Also he is finally seeing the urologist in a few weeks so we will hopefully get some more information about the possible MFI.  I can see why he wants to give it a few months.  But for him, the progression is so easy:  in 6 months I will either be pregnant or not, and if not we will do IVF.  From Plan A to Plan B (though I really think we’re on Plan Q or R by this point).

Why isn’t it that simple in my head?

When I (finally) call the clinic back, I’m going to have to tell them something besides thanks for putting up with my flakiness.  Do I tell them what my husband wants me to tell them, which is that I’ll call them in 6 months if I’m not pregnant by then, and we’ll try IVF in the spring or summer?  Do I tell them what I (secretly) want to tell them, which is that I will never, ever be back because I don’t want IVF and there is nothing else they can do for me?  Yeah, probably not that one.

My husband wants this.  Why don’t I?



12 responses to “breaking up or on a break?

  1. You don’t want it because you just plain don’t. There doesn’t need to be a reason better than that (even if there is one). I feel for your husband, and I understand that he thinks you may change your mind – I mean, who can tell the future, right? – but you seem pretty set. If you don’t want to cause a fight, you can always call the RE’s office, tell them you’re still thinking on it, oh and by the way “don’t call me, I’ll call you.” That way, you’re leaving your options open (for your dh’s benefit), but still leaving yourself in control. 🙂 Sorry, idk if you wanted advice, but there it is anyway. lol.
    I wish you luck.

  2. I don’t think there needs to be a reason why you don’t want to do IVF. You feel the way you feel.

    Why not just call the RE’s office and say something like “We are not sure yet what we are going to do or when; we will call you when we decide”?

    BTW, your clinic is far more persistent than mine: I just never called after my last treatment cycle failed in June, and I haven’t heard a peep from them. (Maybe that’s because we told them we would never do IVF from the get-go. Or maybe they are just too busy to care.)

  3. I’m an avoider, too. I’ll avoid emails or phones calls for days on end, and then finally I’ll just pick up the phone or deal with the email. And I always feel better about moving past the issue, but it doesn’t make me do it any faster the next time…
    Anyway, that is a little strange that your RE is calling you so much. You think they would just wait for you to call THEM.

  4. I agree that you don’t owe them a call. Those RE offices are like vultures! I don’t know if you recall that I found out I was pregnant the day before my RE appointment and thus cancelled. Well, they had my history of losses in hand, and so they have emailed me several times throughout my pregnancy asking me how it’s going… fishing for a post-miscarriage patient, I presume! Sheesh.

    I would be very interested to hear more about why you draw the line at IVF, if you do ever come to any epiphany about that. In the meantime, it’s a perfectly normal and reasonable way to feel– so don’t let the RE bully you! Go on ignoring the calls, I say.

  5. Wow, that’s pushy! I agree that you can feel free to ignore them. It’s not like they won’t be there if you end up wanting another consult.

    I have absolutely no beef with your no IVF stance. But I would just mention that at my 7 week ultrasound, my RE found a new fibroid. I don’t know what your doc told you about the risk of recurrence, but that might be something to throw in the mix.

    I really hope it turns out that MFI is not an issue. But whatever the case, don’t let nobody talk you into nothin’!

  6. oh, but what about on a train or in a plane? Sounds like you don’t want IVF right now, and probably not in 6 months. Maybe you’ll feel differently then, but you can’t possibly know that now. Maybe the clinic doesn’t need to know anything more than treatments are on hold until further notice.

    I’m holding much hope for your attempts au naturel in the coming months.

  7. Yeah, tell them the truth and get them off your back. You have no obligation to them.

    IVF is a life sucker. Dont go into it unless you can give it your all.

  8. I think you just tell the clinic that you want to wait 6 months before making a decision on where to go next. You don’t need to commit to anything just yet. You don’t owe them any explanations and they don’t need to know any more than that. You said yourself that you are still figuring this all out right now so just take it slowly and see what happens. Talk to your husband and try to get to the bottom of why IVF is not an option for you…. You guys need to be on the same page on this one or else in 6mths time he’s going to be expecting you to start IVF and you will have a lot of explaining to do!!

  9. egghunt said all I wanted to say already… don’t let yourself be pushed into anything.
    Good luck!

  10. This post strikes a chord with me. I did IVF and wish I hadn’t. I’ve written about this in the past. Obviously if it had worked it would have been worth it. But it didn’t and it wasn’t. It was *the* most stressful thing I’ve ever done. I had no idea the emotions wrapped up in that box when i took the lid off. Here’s the thing: once you go there you can’t go back. For me we did it because I didn’t want to wonder “what if” 10 years down the road. What I didn’t think about was how much harder failure (times 3) would be for me. As of now, I think “what if” would be easier to take than failure. Maybe someday I’ll think it was worth it, but I’m not even close to that right now. Even now a year after we did the first IVF, which ended in a miscarriage, I still reflect on how much it has changed me.

    I don’t mean to scare you or sway you, but these are just things I wish I had thought about when we first started down this road. Best wishes figuring it all out. Nothing’s easy when it comes to infertility.

  11. Why do you not want it?

    Why not?

    Have you analysed it?

    Do you have a clear logic, some other experience or memory, or that you have some ethical issues about it ?

    Are you too afraid that if the IVF were to fail, there would be very little hope remaining, and you don’t want that feeling of utter and absolute failure?

    Is the expense the issue?

    Anyways, I did not want to put you into a corner over this…when I began TTC and into quite some part of the journey, I did not imagine I would need IVF to conceive…and then I had to bear it, and I failed. I felt like a ball of mud lying in a pool of water…eroding for sure.

    I think December is too early if you are not prepared for it. A six months natural try is good. I hope you can sort out stuff with yourself and speak to your hubby about it too.

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