I don’t want to do IVF.
I don’t want to do it in November, I don’t want to do it after my husband sees the urologist, I don’t want to do it in six months, I don’t want to do it in a year.
I don’t want to do it ever.
My husband says it’s way too soon to be thinking about it; he thinks I will be pregnant in a few months, and if not, we can talk about it when the time comes. He does have a point–there is no use in worrying about something that may never be necessary–but so far our whole frustrating TTC history has been a story about waiting and seeing. We have been cautious, not wanting to admit there was a problem, then accepting what the first RE told us, then waiting another 5 months before finding a new doctor (who diagnosed me in five minutes flat), and now waiting to see if the low sperm numbers were a fluke.
At every stage we have waited, and all it has gotten us is more waiting. I know why he doesn’t want to think about IVF; he wants to believe that the surgery was the answer, the only answer, and that things will work out the way they’re supposed to now. But I don’t want to go another six months without a plan, then start having the conversations that we could have been having all along. What will we do if we run up against that six months, and another, and another, and all of a sudden I’m too old? My mother entered perimenopause when she was younger than I am now (which is why I’m feeling time ticking away even though I’m only 32), and I just don’t know how much more time I have to wait and see.
I think we definitely need to let me continue healing, and I also have a tiny sliver of hope that we are fertile now, but I also think we have to have a plan for next spring, in the (likely) event that I don’t get pregnant.
Which brings me back to the beginning of this post: I don’t want to do IVF. Ever.
What I would like to know from you is, is this a selfish stance to take? Knowing this is something my husband would be willing to pursue, and knowing that our RE feels strongly it is our best chance, do I owe it to my husband to do it? It’s not like I have a moral objection to the technology; I just hate everything about the idea of it.* I feel like if my body has to be so dramatically manipulated in order to get pregnant, maybe I’m not supposed to get pregnant. That’s a hard thing to type, and a very, very sad thing to think about, but it feels true for me. I don’t want to do it.
I want very badly to talk openly with my husband about this, but he is not ready for this conversation yet. He says it’s not time to think about it; he says we should just wait and see like we’ve done before.
*FOR ME. I have absolutely no ill feelings towards those of you who have done it or are getting ready to do it. I have nothing but respect for you. In fact, reading your stories is part of why I don’t want to do it: I am not as strong as you, and I don’t think I could handle it.