i may never have sex again

Our holiday weekend got off to a great start.  We went to the farmer’s market, did some cleaning, and then I got some chicken stock started for the dish I was planning.  My husband got into the kitchen after I was done with my prep work and got started on a loaf of bread.

Now, my surgery was almost 8 weeks ago, and in that time we have attempted sex exactly twice.  My husband has waited extremely patiently and has not pressured me at all.  He is awesome.  Yesterday he asked me, very nicely, if once our kitchen work was done (stock simmering, dough rising), we might go into the bedroom and “see what happens.”

Having had a nice, relaxing, non-stressful day so far (and being replete with EWCM), I actually thought this might be a good idea.  So while he was kneading, I went into the bedroom and took all my clothes off.  I figured I’d just have to wait a few minutes and he would find me; I was thinking it would be a nice surprise for him.

No sooner had I sat down on the bed, buck naked, than there was a loud knock at the door.  I shouted to my husband, “Can you get that?”  He grumbled because his hands were all floury.  The birds freaked out at the knocking and shouting and started zooming around the apartment (one of them ended up in the bathroom).  My husband didn’t even make it all the way to the door before our landlord barged in.

Did I mention the bedroom door was open?

I froze.  There was no way in hell I was getting up to close the door, and I wasn’t going to have time to put my clothes back on….I got under the covers and hoped for the best.

My husband was running around the apartment picking the birds up (and swearing under his breath because I wasn’t helping–he still didn’t know where I was).  He passed by the bedroom and I flailed my arms wildly to get his attention–I didn’t want to say anything in case our landlord heard us talking and decided to come say hello.  Once I had his attention I whispered “SHUT THE DOOR!”

I could almost see the light bulb going on over his head.  Why I wasn’t helping.  Why I didn’t answer the door in the first place.  Why I was under the covers.  He shut the door, I got up and put my clothes on, and then I went out to the living room to say hello to the landlord.

It turns out that their ceiling leaks whenever I take a bath (they live directly below us).  This has been going on for over 10 years and finally yesterday for some reason they decided it was the perfect moment to show up with a handyman to see if they could find the problem.  They (landlord, her husband, and the handyman) were in and out of our bathroom for the rest of the afternoon.  They didn’t fix anything but they did find the problem, so presumably they’re going to have to come back at some point to fix it.

I may never have sex again.

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10 responses to “i may never have sex again

  1. Oh my GOSH I am sooooo frustrated/irritated/angry for you. That is so rude that your landlord BARGED in on a holiday weekend and commenced handywork in your bathroom. Not. Okay.

    On the upside, that is wonderful that you are maybe-kinda-perhaps-probably feeling up to attempting the deed. That is humongous progress!

    I hope you get some more rest and recharging this weekend and find that the mood is right again soon. xo

  2. Oh no!! What horrible timing! I’m so sorry that this post made me laugh – it probably wasn’t very funny to both of you…
    Hoping you can get some “special time” in with your Hubby this weekend!

  3. I’m pretty sure that your landlord’s actions are highly illegal,not to mention extremely rude. You should all your local rental overssing organization, or at the very least, threaten to. That is so insconsiderate! I hope you guys have the vnerve to call her out on that.

    But, the good news is that you are interested in sex again! Sounds like healing is underway!!!

    • There’s a lot about our apartment that’s illegal. It’s the top floor of the landlord’s house, and the house wasn’t originally intended as a duplex. They put in a kitchen and a separate entrance, but the utilities are still all on one account. We put up with it because it’s cheap rent in a great neighborhood, and we LOVE the space. It’s a 100-year-old house and we have a beautiful back deck, hardwood floors, etc., etc. Our landlord is very chatty and can be intrusive, but we did leave the door unlocked. Totally my bad.

      Lesson learned: absolutely no nudity when the door is unlocked!!!

  4. Ooops! It sounds like it was shaping up to be such a lovely day, too! I hope the intrusion didn’t ruin it. But UGGH! What ridiculous timing!

  5. Just think of it as training for when you DO have kids! I can’t believe your landlord barged in without being invited. What an ass.

  6. This sounds like a scene from a comedic movie or something! Seriously, you two are both going to sit back and laugh about this one for a while yet! I agree with Such a good egg, this is definitely progress though, you got over the mental hurdle of having sex (even if the sex wasn’t actually ever ‘had’) so next time you try I’m sure you’ll:
    A) lock the door, and
    B) get results!!!
    xx

  7. CRACKING ME UP!

    Oh, I have to admit for just one second when I read “took off all of my clothes” I thought – huh, not really sure where this is going… Cracking me up! The true and honest LOL over on this end of the www. HA!

    Mr. G&L getting pissy makes it that much funnier, as I picture him as superhero husband after the penguin. It must have been Awkward City. Ahahahaha!

  8. Yeah, I see what you mean about putting up with the ‘bad-illegal’ stuff, in order to reap the ‘good-illegal’ benefits. I guess you will now be religiously locking that door! Total comedy. But so annoying!

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