I went back to work this past week. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I didn’t know it was possible to be this tired. I’m not even going to talk about work though; it’s a fucking cesspool and I am so ready to get out. I wish I could just quit, but I know that in this economy I’m lucky to have a job at all.
I can feel the sadness creeping back too, which is why I haven’t really been posting or commenting lately. I feel like a giant hypocrite just whining all the time after posting positive things like this. Where is my calm, where is my equanimity and my goodwill? I want to stay in bed for a month. Yes, I know, I just did that; but I need another one. How incredibly fucking selfish is that? I just had 4 weeks off of work and I am so, so not refreshed. I am not recharged. It was not enough time.
I really thought I would spend a couple of weeks in pain, then take the second 2 weeks of my leave and really accomplish some things. I thought I was going to find a new job (ha!). I thought I was going to make progress on fundraising for the Asia trip. I thought I was going to clean the apartment and cook fabulous meals.
Instead I spent almost the entire 4 weeks in bed. I cooked not a damn thing (other than basic stuff like pasta and chili), and in fact eating is still nauseating. I watched season 1 of In Treatment and seasons 1-5 of Weeds in their entirety, but I didn’t clean out the closets like I wanted to. I’m not spending enough time with my husband either. He’s been waiting really patiently for me to feel ready to have sex again, but oh my god I am so tired and I just don’t want to.
This is taking so much longer than I had hoped. And starting last week I was just supposed to pick up and go back to everything, all at once, as though nothing was wrong.
I can’t do it.
I feel like such a wimp, and my boss just keeps telling me about how she was back at work 2 weeks after her C-section.
Which brings me to the title of this post: out of practice. Not only am I out of practice at the daily routine of work, and at my instrument, but I’m out of practice at keeping myself afloat. Like I said above, I can feel the depression coming back. It’s washing over me in waves every time I’m awake enough to feel it, and I know I’m not working hard enough to stop it. One of the things about therapy that helped me the most was being asked to take time every day to counter my (constant) negative self-talk with positive thoughts. It felt really false at first, but it did work. I felt like I had something to draw on when I got into a bad thought pattern. Unfortunately I have not been making the time lately to think positively about myself (why is it I never have to make the time to think the bad thoughts?), and I’m just feeling really overwhelmed with everything.