out of practice

I went back to work this past week.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  I didn’t know it was possible to be this tired.  I’m not even going to talk about work though; it’s a fucking cesspool and I am so ready to get out.  I wish I could just quit, but I know that in this economy I’m lucky to have a job at all.

I can feel the sadness creeping back too, which is why I haven’t really been posting or commenting lately.  I feel like a giant hypocrite just whining all the time after posting positive things like this.  Where is my calm, where is my equanimity and my goodwill?  I want to stay in bed for a month.  Yes, I know, I just did that; but I need another one.  How incredibly fucking selfish is that?  I just had 4 weeks off of work and I am so, so not refreshed.  I am not recharged.  It was not enough time.

I really thought I would spend a couple of weeks in pain, then take the second 2 weeks of my leave and really accomplish some things.  I thought I was going to find a new job (ha!).  I thought I was going to make progress on fundraising for the Asia trip.  I thought I was going to clean the apartment and cook fabulous meals.

Instead I spent almost the entire 4 weeks in bed.  I cooked not a damn thing (other than basic stuff like pasta and chili), and in fact eating is still nauseating.  I watched season 1 of In Treatment and seasons 1-5 of Weeds in their entirety, but I didn’t clean out the closets like I wanted to.  I’m not spending enough time with my husband either.  He’s been waiting really patiently for me to feel ready to have sex again, but oh my god I am so tired and I just don’t want to.

This is taking so much longer than I had hoped.  And starting last week I was just supposed to pick up and go back to everything, all at once, as though nothing was wrong.

I can’t do it.

I feel like such a wimp, and my boss just keeps telling me about how she was back at work 2 weeks after her C-section.

Which brings me to the title of this post:  out of practice.  Not only am I out of practice at the daily routine of work, and at my instrument, but I’m out of practice at keeping myself afloat.  Like I said above, I can feel the depression coming back.  It’s washing over me in waves every time I’m awake enough to feel it, and I know I’m not working hard enough to stop it.  One of the things about therapy that helped me the most was being asked to take time every day to counter my (constant) negative self-talk with positive thoughts.  It felt really false at first, but it did work.  I felt like I had something to draw on when I got into a bad thought pattern.  Unfortunately I have not been making the time lately to think positively about myself (why is it I never have to make the time to think the bad thoughts?), and I’m just feeling really overwhelmed with everything.



7 responses to “out of practice

  1. Everyone heals at their own pace. If your boss is making comparisons like that, I can see why you don’t want to be at your job.
    It can be hard to go from negativity to positive thinking, especially when you’re just too exhausted to try. I wish I had advice, but all I can offer you is ((hugs)) and my own positive thoughts/vibes/whatever you call them.

  2. Hugs to you Ginger& Lime xxxx
    If i’m interpreting your words right then it seems like you just feel like you havent accomplished anything in the last 4 weeks. Its not true!!!! You had invasive surgery and you needed that time to lay in bed and start to feel better so don’t feel bad that you aren’t super woman who cooked up a storm and changed her career in 4 weeks. We always find a way to beat ourselves up but the reality is that recovery is going to be a gradual process and you have to be patient with yourself. I feel for you that going back to work feels so sudden but give yourself a week or two to adjust back to your routine and just buy your time there till a better job presents itself. You can do this! You are doing great. The two things I found that helped me when I was at my lowest was to:
    1) Just start by writing yourself a little list of things you want to achieve each day. Make them really small things like “make the bed” or “fold the washing” and give yourself big kudos when you cross off your completed things. You just need to feel like you have achieved something and its suprising how satisfying crossing things off your list is (even if they seem like tiny little tasks)
    2) I made myself make an effort with my appearance. Its easy to just hate yourself and not care about how you look but I really think, as women, we feel better about ourselves when we are wearing clothes we feel comfortable in, or a hair style that we like. I made myself wear earings every day while I was feeling depressed and I never wore the same pair 2 days in a row. Just that one little frivilous thing made me feel feminine and a little more alive.

  3. Oh, G&L! I am so sorry you are feeling low. I think it makes perfect sense, though. Your boss sounds awful, and having to go back to a job you don’t like, on top of not feeling 100% recovered, would make ANYONE feel depressed. So I hope you don’t think that your bad feelings are any kind of personal shortcoming!! I know how easy that trap is to fall into. This isn’t YOU, this is shitty circumstances, OK? So just take your time to feel as bad as you do– it isn’t fun, but trying to force yourself to cheer up, or blaming yourself for not being more ‘together’ or more chipper are NOT going to make this any easier or more fun, believe me. You are perfectly justified in not feeling good about your situation. And keep applying for better positions as you start to feel more recovered physically– I know the market is super rough, but if you keep at it I think something better will come along. I don’t know if you own your own home, but if you are a renter, you could consider moving as well (only when you are feeling better physically!). This did WONDERS for E and I. Our apartment had just become the site of so much sadness, just physically leaving the place behind immediately lifted our moods. But don’t feel like you have to make these changes right now!!! Just recuperate, take care of yourself, tell yourself that feeling sad is very OK in your situation, and start keeping in mind some long term changes you want to make. But no pressure to do anything now!! Huge hugs.

  4. My dear Ginger. I am right there with you. I wish I had words for you.

    I have nothing to say except I know we don’t belong here. Lets make it a short stay.

  5. Oh man, I can feel the depression from here. That lethargy and sense of being too tired to overcome it…very familiar. I’ve also been working on the no negative self talk regimen, but it’s harder than it might seem. It’s such an ingrained habit to think that any time things aren’t going well it’s because I’m stupid and inadequate and not doing the things I need to. I don’t know–maybe knowing I feel it too will help somehow. It sounds like things are really hard right now. Egghunt’s suggestion is a nice one–something vaguely like that has helped a tiny bit before for me, and if it would help to post something every day, just as a way of forcing yourself to do something, we’d be here to lend our support.

  6. You have been through some serious sh*t….physically, mentally and emotionally. Ugh, it all fracking SUCKS. Dark times, we’ve been there, but you are in a particularly awful bump in the road. Also, you boss’s comment made my blood boil. SHEESH, lady! What a meanie.

    I hope you had a tiny sense of catharsis by writing this down. We are all here for you, rooting for you in the best and worst of times. xo

  7. Thank you. Just…thank you. I can’t even describe how much all of your comments mean to me. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter if anyone reads this blog, that I’m writing it for catharsis (as egg said), that it’s really just for working out my feelings…

    But all of you just help me dust myself off and go back the next day. I am a hot mess, and you show up and write such nice things and I am just so grateful for you.

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