a delicious taste of my inner monologue

This started out as a reply to the comments on my last post but it started to get long, so I decided to give it its own little place in the sun.

Thanks for all the good thoughts.  I have been taking a little break from the blog over the past few days (sorry for not commenting at your places!), as my positive outlook has become decidedly askew of late.

I know that what I do is not really the same as a hobby; but it just gets harder and harder to justify spending so much time and effort on something that is never going to pay the bills.  (And the bills do need to get paid.)  I wonder what will happen if I ever do manage to get knocked up.  I certainly can’t quit my job; I wonder with more than a little trepidation about what will happen to my performing aspirations.  Something will have to give, and I fear that it will be my playing, which of course is what I’ve been training, working, and striving for since I was nine.

But I’m just being negativissimo, and also getting 50 steps ahead of myself, which is how I get into trouble with anxiety….chill out, chill out, I’m not pregnant and probably won’t ever be……


8 responses to “a delicious taste of my inner monologue

  1. Yeah, sometimes something does indeed have to give. It’s a big bummer. I’m hoping you don’t have to give up performing. At least, only to go on hiatus while your kid is under 10 years old (after that, he or she’ll be out the door anyways). Or, perhaps now’s the time to dust off your recordings and send them out to the philharmonics again…

    I think a baby will be worth any sacrifice, though, don’t you?

    p.s. I was looking forward to a post about something with a ‘delicious taste’! 🙂 Something with ginger… and lime… cooking is one thing that doesn’t have to be forsaken, thank goodness!

    All in all, I hope you feel better soon. It’s hard to feel hopeless in multiple aspects of life, I know!

  2. I am so hot, I had to move from my phone to an actual keyboard.

    If I ever hear you say you won’t be pregnant, I will get in my car (I think I read you are in the Midwest, but I will also buy a plane ticket goddammit) and come give you a piece of my mind.

    You got rid of all that nasty fibro-funk that was sucking energy out like a big drain. You are sitting on top of the world and next comes a little prince or princess.

    I know you are probably just letting it out, but I am militant about just this one thing. No more “I won’t”. I will hack your account and delete. Yes, I will.

    Funny, I was in the basement letting the dogs out of their kennels. I have my long abandoned guitar that sits down there collecting dust. The baby crawled over and wanted me to play it. I thought “What a pity I never learned how to play this thing back when I was a stoner.” Aren’t you glad that’s not you?

    You have a magnificent talent to share with your little when s/he comes home.

    ps – Wont you consider posting something to youtube for us? Come on, one little concert since I clearly cannot afford a ticket to Asia? You can point the camera at the penguin and play for us if you are camera shy….

    • Thanks for the encouragement. If there’s one thing i’m NOT, it’s camera-shy. I might post something here; it would be a good excuse to learn more about uploading audio files.

  3. I’d like to tell you you’ll never have to make sacrifices, but I guess the reality is that you will. But it seems like as long as you have the time and effort lying around, and get gratification out of performing, there’s no reason to worry about the end game. But that’s the perspective of someone who doesn’t have to juggle these two responsibilities…

  4. *stands with hands on hips willing her friend ginger and lime to feel better, but with a hint of menace*

  5. Wow, this is an incredibly tight spot.

    No job, no money: no food on the table.

    Give up on hobby: Kill a part of yourself and what you hoped to be.

    Frankly, I would never want you to give up on your aspirations. Maybe by the time DH finishes grad school, and gets a well paying job, things will ease up. Hold on till then!

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