good-bye to therapy

So apparently I’m cured.  Not of the infertility,* mind you, but of the crazy.**  This afternoon I had my last therapy session over the phone.  My therapist, as I’ve mentioned, is a Ph.D. student and after this month he will be moving on to another center for another part of his training.  I was given the choice of stopping entirely or transferring to a new therapist.

Now, despite all the moaning I’ve done about my therapist in this space, I really quite like him and have gotten a lot out of our sessions.  He doesn’t know anything about infertility, but he has consistently helped me to see things in different ways.  And even the exercises I thought were totally pointless at the time I did them (remember me complaining about having to prioritize various aspects of my life?) have turned out to be really meaningful and illuminating.  He has helped me to climb out of my depression and to take action towards making my life better.  Things I might not have done if it wasn’t for his encouragement:

  • Figured out all the stuff about my brother. Just figuring that out and understanding it was a huge help in coming out of the depression, even though I haven’t really done anything about it.
  • Made the initial appointment with New RE.
  • Started talking more openly with my husband about my anxiety and fear surrounding IF.
  • Started offering metta to myself and to the world.
  • Started dealing with my anxiety in physical ways (breathing exercises, muscle relaxation exercises) instead of just letting myself stay tied up in knots all the time.
  • Brought mindfulness practice into my whole life instead of just a few select areas (practicing my instrument, yoga).

I said things to him that I have never said to another living being (and that I haven’t shared here either).  Looking back over the last few months I think that a lot of the frustration I felt in therapy, and the frustration I felt coming from him, was me pushing back against things I had said or didn’t want to realize.

Given the choice of starting over with a new therapist or just stopping completely, I decided to stop.  I really feel like I get a new start right now in a lot of ways.  The surgery means we will get to start TTC with a clean slate (those 21 failed cycles have been dealt with pretty definitively, I think).  I have this FMLA time from work, which feels kind of liminal, and I am looking for a new job (update on the interview coming soon).  I am not acutely depressed anymore (though the anxiety is lingering).

So this felt like a good, natural stopping point.  I’m going to take the tools I have learned and try to deal with things on my own.

*That remains to be seen.

**A sincere apology if this is ableist; I will be happy to reword if necessary.


8 responses to “good-bye to therapy

  1. I did think you seemed a lot happier lately– I am so glad that you are feeling better. You certainly have a lot of reason to be hopeful. I am assuming that you are now going to get pregnant right off the bat, but I know that even if you don’t for some reason, you are now in the care of an RE who will NOT let you go through 21 mind-numbing cycles of ignorant frustration. There is something very comforting about giving up responsibility for your fertility to a professional!

    You are such an amazing, smart person, and you have such an awesome husband– everything is in place for you to be a happy, fulfilled person. And I just want so badly for you to get that baby NOW so you can just move forwards with your life and seek fulfillment in whatever other ways you need or want to…

    I’m so glad you’ve worked out your sibling feelings too, as those can be a huge bummer and no one deserves to be stuck with that kind of baggage. Sooo.. yay you. You are moving towards fertile, and are DEFINITELY not crazy! You seem very well-adjusted to me, actually! 🙂

  2. I think trying to deal with things on your own for a while is a great idea! You could always go back to therapy (with someone new, of course) at a later date if you felt the need.

    Glad to hear you got so much out of your sessions.

  3. I think this is a great plan. Huge thanks to the departing therapist for allllll that you got out of it…. and now you have some new tools, resolved feelings, and a clean slate in front of you to tackle on your own. Onwards and upwards my friend (with a baby too, please!). xo

  4. Awww, Ginger. I feel like I just took a trip through old times with you.

    It blows my mind your old RE did the same thing 21 times? Am I understanding Leslie right? I cant see the correlating details in your TTC history.

    Things are all over different for you.

    The new RE chewing out all those fibroids is a giant step forward. I cant wait to see how the SA turns out. Pair this with your new streamlined interior and you are more than good to go.

    Shaking depression is pivotal. That shit will crush the life out of you. The scary part is some folks might not notice, some folks might not care or both. Thank jaw you did the opposite on both. I am an obsessive mental health proponent. I cannot bear to see anyone suffer with it. I am delighted you are back.

    It is nice to hear something good about your therapist. I was pretty pissed off at him. I am a stupidly overly protective friend.

    Congratulations, graduate. The world is yours! What shall it be? A registry at Babies R Us or are you going high end at Buy Buy Baby???

    • No, we didn’t have 21 months of treatment. We had 21 months of trying naturally because first my CNM and then the RE told us we were just impatient. Sorry if that was unclear. I know it’s not the same level of awful as some of you all have been through – but it was long enough for despair.

  5. Am glad that you feel empowered enough to not continue. Am also happy that through the turbulence, some rays of sunshine did come through.

    Stay off that depression van, and keep getting better. All the best!

  6. Pingback: an empty cage | ginger and lime

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