i don’t wanna, you can’t make me

OK, so I had my pre-op appointments yesterday. There was a lot of information, which I’ll share just in case anyone who’s reading this might have the same sort of thing coming up.  (Sorry if most of this seems really obvious; the last time I had surgery was when I had my adenoids out when I was seven, so it’s all New! and Scary! to me.)

  • I have to stop eating and drinking at midnight the night before the surgery.  This is pretty standard, I think.
  • I have the option of doing what is euphemistically called a “bowel prep.”  This entails taking a lot of Miralax the afternoon prior so that my colon will be totally clear.  Apparently the choice is mine whether to do it or not.  Pros:  less risk of infection.  Cons:  hours and hours on the toilet.
  • I have to remove all jewelry.  Apparently that includes my nose stud!  NOOOO!*
  • I’m not allowed to bring my iPod!  Boo!  I imagine this is so that the hospital doesn’t have to deal with people whining when things get lost or stolen, but it still sucks.  Maybe I’ll have my husband sneak it in.
  • I will have to stay overnight 2 or 3 nights.  This is different from what I was told originally and I’m kind of surprised.
  • While in the hospital I will have to do respiratory therapy.  Apparently after abdominal surgery people tend to take very shallow breaths, which leads to fluid in the lungs, which leads to pneumonia.
  • My surgeon had me officially consent again to the specific procedure (myomectomy by laparotomy) as opposed to hysteroscopic resection.  This surprised me since we’ve been over it all before.  Maybe they just need extra super-duper consent when they’re doing a more invasive procedure.**
  • File under Unnecessary:  I had a beta yesterday (my first ever).  Because they can’t do the surgery if I’m pregnant.  Ha.

So I guess it’s all systems go.  I’ve started down the path and can’t really get off it now.  This time next week I will be heavily drugged and lighter by some unspecified amount.  It is inevitable.  And in the long run, it’s a good thing.  I am really excited about some of my menstrual symptoms getting better, and there are no words to describe how good I feel about getting a fresh shot at TTC after so, so long.

And yet.

There is a 4-year-old inside of me stamping her feet and saying “It’s not FAYYYUUUUHHHR!”

Other people get pregnant without getting cut open.

And I love my husband, and he is incredibly supportive and kind and wonderful, but the fact remains that this, all of it, is happening to me. I had several rounds of blood work, an HSG, and both Original Flavor and Saline-Enhanced transvag ultrasounds.  He has had to jerk off in a cup.  And next week, I am going to be the one lying on the operating table.  Granted, he will be pacing in the waiting room; I know he is going to be so nervous and I really feel for him.  But once I wake up, I’m going to be the one who can’t eat or stand up or move.

And I kind of feel, right now, today, like this is all I am willing to sign on for.  I know it’s a good thing in the long run, of course, but oh.my.god am I scared and angry and I just want it all to go away.  And there is that great big IF (ha!) hanging over us for after I’ve started to recover.  I know some of you ladies have taken truly heroic measures to try to conceive, and I just don’t think I’m capable of that.  There is only so much that I am willing to have done to my body in pursuit of a pregnancy, and frankly I think that this surgery represents the holy of holies.  When we have talked, my husband and me and our RE,*** about what will happen after the surgery, we have of course discussed the possibility of IUI and/or IVF in case we still aren’t able to conceive.  Am I a chickenshit infertile if I just fucking refuse?  I don’t wanna, you can’t make me, nyah nyah nyah.  I just. don’t. want. to. do. it.

Look forward to increasingly-freaked-out posts between now and next Tuesday, folks!

*I am going to have to call the piercing shop to see if they think it will close up after I take the stud out.  I seriously doubt I will be able to put it back in by myself, so I’ll have to wait to go down there and have Cute Eric re-insert it for me once I’m feeling better.  I hope I don’t have to have it re-pierced!

**I am not doing the hysteroscopy because it wouldn’t allow them to get at all of the fibroids.  Even though only one of them is submucous, apparently the others are also messing with the shape of my uterus, which is not so good for fertility.

***”Where do babies come from?”  “Well, sweetheart, sometimes when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, the mommy takes her temperature every morning and pees on lots of sticks.  Then, after a while, the daddy masturbates into a cup, and they discuss the results with their reproductive endocrinologist…”

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7 responses to “i don’t wanna, you can’t make me

  1. Whine and complain away, you are entitled. Having surgery blows, there is no doubt about it. You will get through it and be fine-fine-fine when it is all over. Even if the fibroids weren’t messing with your ability to conceive they will mess with you in other ways, so buh-bye!
    It is too much to contemplate the other what IFs now. Focus on getting to and through next week.

    I think Bunny had the same variety of surgery as you so she can give you all the dirty details on fun stuff like bowel-prep.

    I can’t imagine your nose stud closing up. I pierced my nose about 16 years ago (yikes) and I can still smoosh my stud through. And I brought my Iphone/ipod, hubs just hung onto it. I mean seriouslly, you have to have surgery and Not have music on top of it? No way.

  2. You will be fine!!! It will suck but then it will be over and you will be FERTILE! You hear me?

    Also, I think you can reinsert your own nose stud. I had one for about 5 minutes in college and I recall changing them out and going without wearing one for a few days at a time. Although if Cute Eric can do it for you, well…

    I would be pretty terrified too, but remember that this is routine and you will come out totally and completely fine, and what’s more, capable of carrying a baby. In the meantime, try to enjoy all the fancy pain meds you will have at your disposal.

  3. Oh, it is like your initiation! I wish we were all there dressed in white robes, holding candles when you woke up. Wouldnt that freak the shit out of you? Scare your uterus right into Fertiletown.

    If you remember one thing, its enjoy that count down from 10. I always try so hard to hang on and enjoy the ride, but never remember much past 8.

    Freak away over the next few days. We are here to pick you up.

    I find you even more charming with your little nose ring.

  4. Surgery sucks. Bowel preps suck. IF sucks. Feel free to whine and complain as much as you want!

    My surgeries were done because of pain, so I didn’t have to think about all I was doing “to get pregnant”…but they still sucked. It’s no fun getting invasive procedures done when you know somewhere, some teenager is doin’ it in the back of a car with her boyfriend (do they still do it in backs of cars, or have we moved on to friend’s basements?) and getting knocked up on their first time.
    Yes, it all sucks.

  5. Sounds eerily familiar…

  6. I’m sorry you have to go through this. It all sucks. So bad. Wishing you the best of luck and a speedy recovery!

  7. No, its not fair at all!!!

    My bowels would have frozen at the thought of the operation….that Miralax would be an essential for me. LOL!

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