i don’t even know what to say anymore

No posting lately because I don’t know what to say.  I am really hanging on by a thread here.

Things have gotten very bad at work.  Very bad.

I am only sleeping a few hours a night and am not really eating.  I’m working lots of unpaid overtime and can’t seem to get caught up.  My supervisor is treating me not like someone who has completely revamped our accounting system, our marketing, and our online presence; but like someone who is phoning it in.

I am having a really hard time understanding what I should do.  She is so very deeply angry with me and I don’t know why.  It is obvious to my coworker as well (she actually had tears in her eyes on Friday after hearing how our supervisor was speaking to me) that there is a serious problem.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.  I am putting the same amount of effort into the same job, and it used to be enough, and now all of a sudden it isn’t.  My coworker thinks I should stand up to her, but I am afraid she will just take the next step and fire me.  And then what would I do?

I think about quitting, then I wonder how we would pay the damn rent….let alone have surgery.  I am very, very afraid that I will go in for surgery and won’t have a job to come back to.  Then the insurance won’t pay.

It is very hard for me these days to envision an immediate future that doesn’t involve moving into my mother’s spare bedroom.

Who am I to think I can be a mother?  I can’t even handle this goddamn job, and I’ve already proven that I am a failure as an academic.  I am so ashamed even to be posting this, because all of you ladies are so successful.

Maybe I will look at this  in a few hours and delete.


14 responses to “i don’t even know what to say anymore

  1. Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. Is there someone above your supervisor you can talk to?
    I hope things get better – it’s hard enough to do a stressful job when you’re appreciated, and another altogether when you’re treated like shit :(.

  2. I think we all struggle in different ways. So sorry to hear about how bad work is. My BFF has some work problems too right now and it just makes everything hard.

    Not sure how long you have been at your job but you may qualify for FMLA for surgery, which means they can’t fire you.

    Hang in there.

  3. gosh, I’m so sorry you are having trouble at work. Maybe this woman is having trouble at home and is taking it out on you. Is there a way to difuse the situation? Joke with her? Find some common ground? No advice to give except do get some exercise and some sleep.

    Keep us posted. You are not alone.

  4. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It seems like your boss is taking something out on you that’s unrelated 😦

    I hate how people put fear in other’s hearts becasue they think thay have more power. She does NOT have anything better than you do and don’t let her make you feel that she does.

  5. Ugh. That sounds like an awful work situation. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with her. I agree with Jem that it probably is HER issue – something that’s going on in her life that has nothing to do with you.

    I really hope things get better soon.

  6. Just when you think things can’t get worse they somehow seem to…hugs to you darlin’! Thanks so much for commenting on my blog.

  7. What is up with her? Can you talk to her? Someone else that is her supervisor? You aren’t doing anything wrong, in fact, it sounds like you bend over backwards to make your unreasonable boss happy. It can’t be you.
    But, it sucks to have the added stress of a bitchy boss to complicate your life. I am sorry. I really hope it works out.

  8. Well, speak to her….in private….

    Is she not the same one who was ‘connected’ 24×7? The one who just cannot relax?

    She can’t live her life peacefully and won’t let others be happy as well.

    Ginger and Lime, if you talk to her she may fire you…and you want to quit anyways, right? If the outcome is bound to be similar, at least you should get reasonable sound bites from her over this…

    Can you take a short vacation or turn a bit low-profile? Can you shift departments?

    Hope you tide over this soon…your mental peace should be your priority….Good Luck!

  9. Awww, I have a really hard time imagining that you are doing ANYTHING wrong. If you’re looking for constructive suggestions, there seem to be some good ones from others. If you just need a sympathetic shoulder, here’s mine.

  10. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What a nightmare. I’ve had similar situations myself, and I understand the frustration and the anger and the shame. I wish I could offer some advice that would help, but when you have a bad job situation (with no HR or high-ups to go to – though if there IS someone to go to, make plans to go to them, and start documenting everything asap so you’ll have a strong case!) and bills to pay, I don’t know what can be done. I’ll be thinking of you.

  11. Thanks for all the advice. There is an HR department, and there is someone above my director (the Dean: we are a tiny little backwater division of a university). I have spoken to HR, mostly about the issue of the unpaid overtime, and they have told me I need to work it out within my department. Thanks a lot, HR! I am considering going to the Dean but first I think I will try one more time to talk to her one on one. I had planned to do so today, but some serious shit hit the fan today (luckily nothing that had anything to do with me) and I decided to just stay out of the way.

  12. Everyday when I go to work, I pause after I turn the engine off. I say, “They pay me if I show up”, and then I walk in the door.

    I am here for the $ to pay for IVF and all the free office supplies I can smuggle out.

  13. I am late in commenting, sorry. This is really hard but is there any way you can speak to her (maybe take a support person with you so you are not facing the witch alone) as you deserve an explanation. She doesn’t have a right to all of a sudden take everything out on you for no reason. I know it will be unimaginably hard to confront her, but you don’t deserve to be run out of your own job by a bully. I really hope it gets better soon. xxx

  14. I’m glad you didn’t delete this. You can handle this. I will keep reading (catching up) and I know I will find out how you successfully managed the situation.

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