i guess it beats a lump of coal

EDIT:  I think I confused everyone with this one!  When I wrote this post it was CD22.  As of today (May 21) it’s CD24–still waiting!

On the first day of my cycle, my body gave to me cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the second day of my cycle, my body gave to me really heavy bleeding and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the third day of my cycle, my body gave to me a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the fourth day of my cycle, my body gave to me still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heaving bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the fifth day of my cycle, my body gave to me  myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the sixth day of my cycle, my body gave to me  seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the seventh day of my cycle, my body gave to me an optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the eighth day of my cycle, my body gave to me multiple orgasms, an optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the ninth day of my cycle, my body gave to me strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the tenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the eleventh day of my cycle, my body gave to me one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twelfth day of my cycle, my body gave to me egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the thirteenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the fourteenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the fifteenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the sixteenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the seventeenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the eighteenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the nineteenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twentieth day of my cycle, my body gave to me false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-first day of my cycle, my body gave to me insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-second day of my cycle, my body gave to me carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-third day of my cycle, my body gave to me can’t I have some brownies?, carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-fourth day of my cycle, my body gave to me some mild spotting, can’t I have some brownies, carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-fifth day of my cycle, my body gave to me nausea and bloating, some mild spotting, can’t I have some brownies, carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-sixth day of my cycle, my body gave to me swollen, tender breasts, nausea and bloating, some mild spotting, can’t I have some brownies, carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-seventh day of my cycle, my body gave to me  no, really, where’s the brownies?, swollen, tender breasts, nausea and bloating, some mild spotting, can’t I have some brownies, carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-eighth day of my cycle, my body gave to me another failed cycle, no, really, where’s the brownies?, swollen, tender breasts, nausea and bloating, some mild spotting, can’t I have some brownies, carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

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10 responses to “i guess it beats a lump of coal

  1. Oh, I was reading that with complete anticipation as I was desparately hoping your body was going to give you 2 lines in the end. I’m so sorry, this sucks. No words are fitting and the reality is cruel. xxx Thinking of you.

  2. Can I laugh? Because you made this sound so sad-funny!

    *raising one polite finger* at AF!

    • Yes, it’s supposed to be funny…at least I thought it was funny….

      Maybe I should clarify that AF hasn’t actually arrived yet. Today is CD23. I just happened to have the idea for that post last night, and since my cycles are always the freaking same, I am pretty sure of what’s going to happen over the next few days.

  3. Awesome! Can you have some brownies now?

  4. well, the multiple orgasms sound alright… other than that, it’s shitsville.

    Funny post– except rings too true to be TOO funny. Also sorta sad… AND, How come I never noticed nausea as a pms symptom until ttc?

    Anyways… hopefully soon we’ll be off the hook for over a year (pregnancy + breastfeeding). Won’t that be nice. (Bitterly: “Ha!” cause for me, I don’t believe it!)

  5. Frack….I really really really wanted you to get the happy ending. So sorry. ((hugs))

    Meanwhile, this is one of my favorite posts ever! Ever!

  6. Oh! I just read your comment. You’re still in it!!!!!!!! C’moooon happy ending! 🙂

  7. This post is hilarious.

    And I was going to write how sorry I was about your failed cycle, but after reading your comment I am just going to hope the post is totally wrong, despite being hilarious.

  8. what a cute idea- although I thought it would have a happier ending…how do you know – did you take a test/beta?

  9. funny/true/sad. But mostly FUNNY

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