it doesn’t even snow that much

It’s been a while since I’ve posted about my therapist.  Don’t you all miss hearing about him?  I bet a few of you miss abusing him in comments!

We managed to have a whole session today without once talking about the fact that verily, I am as like Antarctica, arid and barren of all life, only without the penguin shit.

Instead we talked about prioritizing.  Which things in my life are the most important (as evidenced by how much time and energy I give them), and which things in my life should in fact be the most important.  But this conversation was in itself a failure of prioritization, one of many stupid surface issues I talk about in my therapy sessions.  I bitch about my job.  I bitch about my ensemble colleagues.  I whine and moan about poor, poor stressed out me.  None of that is the issue, and I really need to figure out how to get out of the stupid sinkhole of constantly running off at the mouth about the least important things–i.e. the things that are the easiest to talk about.

What is actually at issue is the fact that I am Less.  Less than a mother, obviously, but it goes beyond that.  I am less than creative; I am less than passionate; I am less than hardworking; I am less than giving.  Whether this is objectively true is a question for another time–but it is definitely true within my own mind, and because I am nothing if not a navel-gazer, it is what goes on in my own mind that makes the difference.  (A more charitable way to put that last would be that we all create our own realities.)  This is something we actually talked about in my last session, and because I am a big crybaby I got all freaked out and my therapist, perhaps wisely, let me run around on the surface of nothing for an hour today.

It felt completely frustrating and unsatisfying.  Like I was just saying the same things I have been saying for weeks.  And it makes me even more resolved to pull my socks up and start dealing with all the sad hurlyburly on my own, so that I can spend my weekly Official Navel-Gazing Hour on the things that matter.  More on this later.


5 responses to “it doesn’t even snow that much

  1. OOOOooo, can I hate on your therapist some more? Obviously it’s fine to spend plenty of time talking about things other than your lack of success in the baby arena: people’s reactions to this experience are so different depending on their life histories and current situations, plus everyone’s got STUFF other than IF that could use some “work”…but frustrating and unsatisfying = your therapist’s fault. (Although in my experience there is a certain sameness in the discussion of IF, because, after all, until it’s resolved, it’s very present and cyclic and unchanging…) In any event, I hope you either have a better session next time, decide you can go it alone and kick him to the curb, or find someone who works better for you.

  2. Maybe you should take puppets to the next therapy session. That would atleast bring some substance to the agenda??

    I can’t believe you are still sticking around with your therapist.

  3. (((hugs))) I actually ditched my therapist a couple of weeks ago. At first it felt cathartic to go to her but I very quickly realized she was more interested in getting me to take anti-depressants than helping me live with infertility with words and actions and coping advice. I was like, LADY, I’m out of my comfort zone and seeing you to try to help myself in the healthiest way possible…can we stick with that and not talk about medicine? But I digress. A bad therapy session is really worse than no therapy at all. Thinking of you. xo

  4. I’M so less that I’m LES-lie… har har.

    I wouldn’t worry about it too much– maybe you haven’t watched The Big Lebowski recently enough? A Confederacy of Dunces (the novel) is another good one.

    Seriously, though, I think it is totally normal to have these feelings at this point in life, but you just have to ask yourself, “Less that what?” Those attributes you listed are pretty empty and meaningless. Less than hardworking/passionate/creative. To me, that means that you currently lack a goal that you find exciting. That seems normal to me! Given the circumstances! Jeez, sometimes you gotta drift and see where life takes you. Because I don’t see these qualities that you list as applying to YOU (or anyone) at all. They only apply to a situation. So you aren’t passionate about anything right now. So???

    Anyways, I hope you don’t my 2 cents. I just think that you are being hard on yourself, but it isn’t YOU that’s being hard on yourself, it’s some external set of values that you’ve acquired that’s being hard on yourself. If that makes any sense…

  5. Thank you so much for your comments. I really don’t want this blog to turn into a whine-fest, any more than my therapy sessions, and I appreciate your slogging through what is certainly of interest only to me. I actually quite like this therapist, all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding, and I think he’s trying to get me to do some things on my own–which is why the sessions where he doesn’t give me a lot of help feel so frustrating.

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