I’ve been thinking a lot about how I got from one to the other and, perhaps more importantly, how I can stay in this much better place. The conclusion I’ve come to is that I have to take more responsibility for my own happiness. It’s that process vs. product focus I’ve posted about before. I know that I can feel as good as I did up at the conference, and I know that there were no magical fairies sprinkling happy dust on me, so definitely I have the capability inside me somewhere, and I am damned well going to find it, because I am not going back to that dark place if I can help it.
In my admin job, I have to remember that not only do my rights stop where another person’s begin, but that other person’s rights also stop where mine begin. I have started asking people not to raise their voices when they talk to me. I have a tendency to let everyone vent in my general direction–there are several things about our organization that are extremely frustrating, and I have continually prioritized other people’s need to vent over my need to have a peaceful working environment. So step 1 towards not being miserable at work all the goddamn time is that I’m not going to listen to anything in my office that isn’t stated in a civil, professional tone.
In my ensemble, I have to take control of the tone of the rehearsals. No one else is going to provide positive energy for me, and if I want to have a good rehearsal experience I have to create it for myself. This is easier than I thought it would be, and it helps us to get more done in our limited time together.
In my personal life, I need to take good care of myself–body and mind. Instead of complaining about the fact that all of “our” friends are really my husband’s friends, I need to take the time to meet people who connect with me as me, not just as his wife. I need to make time for joyful things–like yoga, messing around in the kitchen, and the infamous green pants.
Unfortunately, as always, the one aspect of my life I really can’t apply this to is IF. I’ve gone ahead and made the appointment with the new RE, which is a step forward and definitely feels better than just sitting and stewing in my depression as I get older and older, wondering why my body doesn’t work. But no matter how good I get at focusing on the process in my life, this is not a process that is going to be worth it unless the result is achieved. It’s not something I can control in the way I can control my attitude towards rehearsals. It feels really out of control and unknown, which is something that I’m fine with in music and the other creative aspects of my life, but which is definitely not OK for this. I feel like every second, every wasted cycle, is just more proof that I will never be good enough.
So that’s the last piece of the puzzle. I feel like I understand what I need to do to make other aspects of my life work better, but this one is just not something I can fix. Hopefully New RE will have some better ideas than the first one. I suspect, and some of you have told me as much, that doing something or even just having a plan will feel better than doing nothing, which is where I’ve been stuck for the last few months.