so that’s what i needed

I’m back from the conference.  What a difference a few days can make!

It was really astonishing:  as the car moved north, out of the city, it was like the sun got brighter, the weight was off my chest, the knot came out of my stomach, and I was having fun for the first time in months.  I suspect that 7 hours in a car does not sound like fun to you…but it was so great to get out of here and my job stress, IF stress, negative energy, etc.

Once we got there I just had a blast.  It was work, and it was hard, but it was also incredibly fulfilling and entertaining.  It was like a reminder that there are things I’m good at.  That new and exciting art is being created all the time–and that as a performer I’m part of that.  The piece that we premiered went really well, and the composer received his award (yay Composer Friend!).  I heard a lot of electroacoustic music, which of course is kind of a niche, but one that is DEFINITELY worth exploring.  (If you’re interested, download “Kuxan Suum” by Paul Rudy from iTunes.  That’s a good place to start.)  I had long heated conversations about whether the concert hall is the appropriate space for fixed-media works, and if not, what would work better.  I argued about pedagogical methods and whether or not new media should start to supplant some of the standard literature in early performance training.  In other words, I totally geeked out for 4 days.


I so rarely get to do this–mostly I just go to my admin job, come home too tired to clean, and squeeze in just enough practicing in between rehearsals so as not to embarrass myself.  This whole experience was just a wonderful and much-needed reminder that I am competent, that I am intelligent, that there are things about life that are just wonderful, that maybe I’m not a total failure and an insufferable bore.

I am just giddy.

I know this is temporary:  depression doesn’t just go away after one great weekend, and all of the things that were wrong with me last week are still wrong now, but I am going to enjoy this feeling for as long as I can.


3 responses to “so that’s what i needed

  1. Welcome home! Though given your remarkably happier state when away, perhaps I should say, I’m sorry you’re home! I’m envious of the happiness you felt geeking out. I feel like it’s lost to me forever, but maybe that’s just because I’m a spoiled brat who can have it more regularly. (Though not really all that regularly, I have to say…) But more important than my feelings (hard to imagine, huh?) ROCK ON YOU BAD THING! It’s awesome that the performance went well and you felt renewed and revitalized! I hope you can indeed enjoy it while it lasts, or perhaps find ways of bringing it into your life more often?

  2. So happy you had a great time away!!!

  3. I’m just catching up on your posts. I really like this one. It was awesome that you got to enjoy yourself and that the trip away gave you some confidence to know you are more than infertility. Thats so important, but really hard to do so yay for you!

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