practice is perfect

This is a follow-up to the previous post, which was getting a little long-winded, even for me.

My wonderful therapist, who doesn’t know anything about yoga, music, or infertility, is trying his best to get me to see other aspects of my life (IF, my admin job) with the same process-oriented focus that I’m able to bring to my artistic practice (in which I include yoga).

Intellectually I can see where he’s leading me.  I’m just not there.  In yoga, I can be OK even if I never look like that flexible lady I linked to in my last post.  In music, if a performance is awful, well, there will be another (presuming I haven’t screwed up badly enough to nix my chances of getting any more gigs).  But with IF, it will decidedly NOT be OK if I don’t achieve the desired result.

I will NOT get to try again.  If too much time passes I will NOT get another chance.  And while I can see that the “process” he’s trying to get me to appreciate is actually the rest of my life, including my marriage and my emotional health, a calm and focused practice will NOT compensate for failure.

And if I should go down the path of ART, there isn’t much about that process that will be fulfilling in itself, in the way that yoga, music, and life are supposed to be.  I just can’t see myself enjoying the process of Lupron shots, laparoscopy, or lying down for procedures (for some reason everything has to start with L).

Boo.

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4 responses to “practice is perfect

  1. My violin teacher always said “practice makes permanent” –a somewhat more pessimistic approach! But yeah, I don’t see how you can possibly import that state of mind into the experience of infertility. Do you really want to be in the moment when someone is attempting to insert a catheter past your cervix? Maybe it’s ’cause so much of IF is about being passive (lying there, as you say), or maybe it’s because IF is a source of grief, and grief is incompatible with full attention and loving practice. I think your therapist needs to SUCK IT on that particular approach to IF. But then I believe I’ve already expressed the view that this guy needs to SUCK IT.

  2. Aha!

    You are one brightwit! Yes, there won’t be no time to give it another shot at a later stage, how much ever perfection may happen in the yoga or music.

    You asked me about the ‘Nos’ on my post. Coffee= Caffeine. Not Good. Aerated drinks are too many preservatives mixed with too much sugar and phosphorus (??). Not good. Chocolate for some reason also gets clubbed there….

    The funny thing is that Coffee prevents ovarian cancer and chocolate is full of anti-oxidants….

    Contrasting stats that make my life beautiful!

  3. Yes, I hear you. I guess what I am “practicing” is learning to accept disappointment. The thing is, I don’t want to be good at that! I’m on the hunt for a counselor who has experience dealing with IF issues….

    You are a beautiful writer and I love your perspective.

    Thanks so much for your comments on my blog lately, they have meant the world to me.

  4. Pingback: so here’s where I’m at « ginger and lime

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