I started seeing a therapist recently. This is because my depression became evident to those around me.
My therapist wants to put me on antianxiety medication. He has no idea how that might affect fertility and/or pregnancy. I find this a little alarming. Needless to say, I won’t be taking him up on that.
It’s very hard for me to say what I mean in my sessions. I self-censor constantly, and I wait to be asked before volunteering information. I talk around issues. I watch myself doing it; I don’t know if my therapist knows I’m doing it (I assume he does). For example: if he asks me how I’m feeling or what happened to me over the past week, I tell him everything that happened to everyone else around me all week. I leave myself out.
I can’t tell if this is out of some kind of perverse self-absorption (am I waiting for him to say, “No, no, I want to know about you“?), or if I really rank myself so low on the scale of interesting conversation. I am deathly afraid of being boring. I am afraid he will think there is nothing the matter with me; alternatively, I am afraid he will think I am totally off my rocker (that’s a technical term, of course).
Anyway, among other issues, I’ve started discussing IF with the therapist. He has strongly suggested that I seek a second opinion from a different RE. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I haven’t really even dipped my toe into the possibility of ART. Here’s why, based on my experiences so far:
- My CNM had me start charting after TTC for a year; she ordered a progesterone test that showed I am ovulating.
- She referred me to an RE after 3 months of charting and no pregnancy. (I think she thought I was just impatient and was going to come back pregnant.)
- She told me to stop charting because she felt I was becoming too anxious about TTC and she thought that the charting was contributing to the anxiety. (I did stop.)
- I told her I suspected endo based on painful periods, heavy bleeding, rectal pain, painful intercourse. She told me I was probably right and that I should mention that to the RE.
- The RE ordered tests on both me and my husband (SA for him, HSG for me). He stressed that there were basically 3 avenues open to us: continuing to try naturally, IUI, and IVF. I mentioned endo but he did not think that was a factor. I asked him if I should start charting again; he said no.
- SA was normal on all counts. HSG showed no blockage, but a shape that the tech read as a fibroid. She told me I would need surgery to remove it, or it would prevent embryos from implanting. I made a follow-up appointment with the RE to discuss treatment.
- RE was very surprised to see us; told me there was no fibroid and that my HSG was great. He really seemed like he couldn’t figure out why we were there and was taken aback that we had believed what the tech said after the HSG.
- He told my husband, “You’re going to get her pregnant under the Christmas tree.” (To my husband’s credit, he refrained from correcting him with “Don’t you mean the Chanukah bush?”) He told us there was no reason we couldn’t conceive naturally, but that if we “got impatient” we could schedule an appointment for IUI.
It just seems like there’s nothing else we can do. I’m so uncomfortable going forwards with something like IUI without a diagnosis–which is a big part of why I feel so stuck. I really feel like the RE shooed us out the door.
Maybe my therapist is right–maybe I need a second opinion. If anyone’s reading, what do you think? Should I try to find another RE, or does what we’ve experienced so far sound right to you?