the whole sordid saga

This is a difficult post to write.  I have been so hesitant to discuss my issue my fertility infertility IF barrenness failure

(That went under fast.)

Typing “infertility” is not so easy for me.  In-fer-til-i-ty.

Naming calls.

*deep breath*

I am infertile.

Barren.

Arid.

Unlucky.

Undeserving.

Clinical stuff:  My husband and I have been TTC since the summer of 2008.  We are in our early thirties and had our first RE appointment at the end of 2009.I have never had a positive pregnancy test.  We have had some testing done (SA, HSG) but have not yet made a decision as to how to proceed.  I charted for several months but was told to stop by my CNM–and when I asked our RE if I should start again, he said that it wouldn’t do any good.  I suspect I have endo, but neither the CNM nor the RE had any thoughts on how that might be affecting our chances (I haven’t had a laparoscopy–but based on my symptoms the CNM thought endo was possible to probable).

I have done a lot of reading on both Western and nonwestern approaches to conception, as well as on the history of assisted reproductive technology, but for once my academic background and my usual m.o. (read everything I can get my hands on, then figure out what to do) are failing me.  I feel confused, stuck, angry, and ashamed.

I am not pursuing anything very aggressively–largely because I am still having such a hard time processing the reality of the situation (as evidenced above with my difficulty in finding words).  I find it inexpressibly sad that my body can’t or won’t do what it was made for.  Every month I hope–and every month I am disappointed.  The RE has recommended IUI and/or IVF, but I’m extremely uncomfortable going forward with a medical “solution” to an undiagnosed problem.

IF is not the only thing in my life, and it won’t be the only thing in this blog, but it is an enormous part of my current emotional canvas.

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6 responses to “the whole sordid saga

  1. Well, guess what? I feel confused, stuck, angry, and ashamed too.

    And, IF is NOT the only thing in my life as well. I have a broader landscape.

    And I always remember that I am more than my stuckbrain uterus.

    Do you have a specific diagnosis? Is it unexplained IF? The answer to that question will probably lead you to the solutions.

    Good Luck!

    • Thank you for your comment, WiseGuy! I didn’t mean to imply that others were lacking that broader landscape. Sorry if i did that.

      I don’t have a diagnosis–the RE just told me to come back if/when I’m ready to do IUI. But like I said in my post, I’m really uncomfortable with taking that kind of step without knowing what’s going on.

  2. Just so you know… although the reasons aren’t always known, endo is known to affect fertility and cause either subfertility or infertility in women who have it… I’m not sure of the stats right now, but with the suspicions of it it may be something to push to get checked out…. it all depends on the amount and locations of the growths for whether or not it could be the problem if you have it… Especially if you have endo and/or adhesions pulling organs into places they aren’t supposed to be, or if your tubes have adhesions pulling them out of place so they can’t meet up with the ovary……
    Jenny
    http://centralhive.com/autoimmunelife

    • Thank you for this! It squares with what I have found from reading. I am thinking about finding another RE.

      • I’m glad I was able to help some. I wish you luck finding another RE ((hugs)). It can be tough to find someone who will listen, but there are good ones out there! I’ve only had one experience with REs, most of my stuff has been gyns, but I hear it’s the same either way.

  3. Hey there sweetie,

    Nopes, woops! Did I come out too strongly in that landscape statement. I completely understand what you mean, and I was just confirming that notion. I did not see any other meaning coming out of it.

    Your RE has asked you to do an IUI straight-off?

    Umm…maybe he/she should take you through the bloodwork and SA and such things prior to the jumping-in.

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