This is a difficult post to write. I have been so hesitant to discuss my issue my fertility infertility IF barrenness failure
(That went under fast.)
Typing “infertility” is not so easy for me. In-fer-til-i-ty.
I am infertile.
Clinical stuff: My husband and I have been TTC since the summer of 2008. We are in our early thirties and had our first RE appointment at the end of 2009.I have never had a positive pregnancy test. We have had some testing done (SA, HSG) but have not yet made a decision as to how to proceed. I charted for several months but was told to stop by my CNM–and when I asked our RE if I should start again, he said that it wouldn’t do any good. I suspect I have endo, but neither the CNM nor the RE had any thoughts on how that might be affecting our chances (I haven’t had a laparoscopy–but based on my symptoms the CNM thought endo was possible to probable).
I have done a lot of reading on both Western and nonwestern approaches to conception, as well as on the history of assisted reproductive technology, but for once my academic background and my usual m.o. (read everything I can get my hands on, then figure out what to do) are failing me. I feel confused, stuck, angry, and ashamed.
I am not pursuing anything very aggressively–largely because I am still having such a hard time processing the reality of the situation (as evidenced above with my difficulty in finding words). I find it inexpressibly sad that my body can’t or won’t do what it was made for. Every month I hope–and every month I am disappointed. The RE has recommended IUI and/or IVF, but I’m extremely uncomfortable going forward with a medical “solution” to an undiagnosed problem.
IF is not the only thing in my life, and it won’t be the only thing in this blog, but it is an enormous part of my current emotional canvas.