the thing with feathers

I had my CD3 blood work done today.*

Next Friday I will go in for the SIS.

It feels a little illicit even to let myself think about what will be next.  Like I said here, New RE is convinced I have submucous fibroids, which are causing both my infertility and what I thought were endo symptoms.  But this was a direct contradiction of what I was told by Original RE.  On the one hand this is a great diagnosis (something definite, that can be treated), but on the other hand it’s a little hard for me to believe that the answer could be before us.  Probably I will have surgery, and then…

It’s hard to be hopeful.  Emily Dickinson wrote

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune–without the words,

And never stops at all.

A lot of years later, Tori Amos** sang

Will you never learn?

You’re just an empty cage, girl

If you kill the bird

Have five months of depression emptied the cage?  It is so hard for me to just let go and hope.  I have been in a very dark place, but protecting myself with skepticism and caution feels like refusing to climb out of a hole.  Staying at the bottom would keep me from falling any farther, but it would also keep me from ever, ever getting out.  I would be numbed out, trapped by my own caution, never letting myself be disappointed but also never getting out from under this suffocating fog.

So, however hard it is, however risky, I’m going to run towards the hope.  As fast as I can.

It feels so good to be doing something (even if all I did today was have blood drawn).  I think I am going to take a page out of egghunt’s book and make a chart.  Today?  Blood work.  Next week?  SIS.  And after that?  I may just be unstoppable.  MWAHAHAHA!

*For those of you keeping score at home, yes, that’s a 31-day cycle.  Thanks, Self, for keeping me in limbo for so long!  I started spotting after this post, so I knew it was coming, but I didn’t get to CD1 for 2 more days.  Luckily it didn’t take any longer or I would have had to wait another month for the blood work because of the holiday weekend!

**Emily Dickinson and Tori Amos had equally profound effects on my fifteen-year-old soul.  I discovered them both after J.D. Salinger but before Umberto Eco.

priorities

I’m having one of those days at work where I just don’t think I’m going to get much more done today.  After a completely crazy week last week (involving 4 very big events), my director is out of town so my colleague and I have been trying to catch up on all the things that have fallen by the wayside lately.

My director is one of those folks who is in constant crisis mode.  Whatever I’m working on, whatever I’m prioritizing, it’s not the thing she’s thinking of.  She sends me “extremely urgent” emails at midnight, one after the other, and each morning when I come in to work and check my email I am freaking out after about 10 minutes.  We have long, frequent meetings about my failure to prioritize.  After each meeting I work on what she has told me should be my priority.  Until half an hour later, when something else occurs to her, and I have to drop everything and work on that.

She’s coming back next Tuesday and expecting some big projects to be done, but she’s also sending me approximately 10 new tasks a day.  From the bed and breakfast where she is on vacation with her husband.

Come on!  I mean, sure, we do some great work here.  We put on good concerts, we do school outreach so kids can have music even when it’s been cut from the district budgets, we keep hundreds of kids in piano lessons…

But how important is this really?  I so, so, so want to email her and tell her that she should get off the fucking computer and go to bed with her husband.  That’s prioritizing.

the verdict

Thanks for all of the advice.  It seems like most of you are early testers!  Does that help you?  I’ve never been able to do it.  I have only ever tested when I’m actually late, which has only been 3 times (including this month) over the past 21 months.

I would love to know:  what do you get from testing early?  Does it feel better to know for sure?  Because for me, it’s always just felt like limbo–a BFN but no period, and there’s nothing to do but test again the next day.  I really hate it.

By the way, I didn’t test last night.  And today there is no need.

to test or not to test?

Well, here I am on what should be CD1.  No AF.  No sign of AF (I usually get a good 3-4 days of spotting before).

I’m not an early tester.  It’s just too depressing.  I have always waited until I’m officially late…which is either today or this coming Thursday, depending on how I count (I am always between 28 and 30 days).  And now, with the whole fibroid thing, I’m not convinced it’s even possible for me to be pregnant.  There is a lot to be said for just waiting it out.

But for the first time in my life, I’m actually impatient for CD1.  I can’t get my bloodwork or schedule my SIS until I start a new cycle…and that was supposed to happen today, dammit!

I’m doing that thing where I examine every single twinge.  Usually I can feel my period coming a mile away (or 4-5 days away, anyway).  It’s why I wrote that post last week about the Christmas carol; I was almost at the point where I start feeling symptoms and figured the rest of the cycle was a foregone conclusion.

Except here I am, late for the first time in over 6 months, not spotting, not cramping, starting to think crazy thoughts…..

I can’t even type it.

Maybe I will test.

a diagnosis?

Today was the first visit with New RE.

Right off the bat I could see that this was going to be a different experience than with the chucklehead we saw a few months back.  New RE (I am going to have to think of a good blog nickname for him) actually asked us questions.  Listened to the answers.  Didn’t brush me off when I said I suspected endometriosis.  What a relief!  We did a consult, then based on what I told him about my periods he said he wanted to do an ultrasound.  We were led into the ultrasound room and I took my pants off…the nurse prepped the instrument (covered it with a condom)….and then I had to stare at it for 15 minutes, just imagining….

So finally the doctor came back in.  He did a pelvic exam, then started the ultrasound.  Almost immediately he said, “Well, you know you have fibroids, right?”

NO.

I don’t know that.

When I had my HSG in December the tech immediately told me I had a submucosal fibroid as she read the scan–then when we went back for a consult with Original RE he said that no, I didn’t in fact have any fibroids.  Or any abnormalities.  Or any reason not to get pregnant.

So this came as a bit of a shock.  New RE continued poking around with the ultrasound (I know some of you know what this is like…let me tell you, it is WEIRD).

I can’t tell you what a relief it is to have something to grab on to.  Even though, based on our past experience (fibroid/no fibroid), I remain a little skeptical of this as a final diagnosis, it is so good to feel like there is someone who knows what is going on!

Here’s the plan:

I’m going to have CD3 blood work done, probably next week.  Then I’m going to go back in for another ultrasound with saline (I forgot what this one is called) so he can get a better look at the fibroids, which are apparently submucosal and therefore keeping us from conceiving.  Sometime later this summer I am going to have a myomectomy and then….awaaaaaay we go!  TTC with nothing gumming up the works.

(My favorite part of today’s appointment:  the RE asked what we had been using for birth control before we started TTC.  We told him we had used the Today Sponge for several years while it was back on the market.  He looked up at us, startled, and said, “And you didn’t get pregnant?  Well, there’s definitely a problem.”  I just find that hilarious:  our useless, unnecessary birth control wouldn’t have worked even if we’d been fertile!)

i guess it beats a lump of coal

EDIT:  I think I confused everyone with this one!  When I wrote this post it was CD22.  As of today (May 21) it’s CD24–still waiting!

On the first day of my cycle, my body gave to me cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the second day of my cycle, my body gave to me really heavy bleeding and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the third day of my cycle, my body gave to me a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the fourth day of my cycle, my body gave to me still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heaving bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the fifth day of my cycle, my body gave to me  myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the sixth day of my cycle, my body gave to me  seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the seventh day of my cycle, my body gave to me an optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the eighth day of my cycle, my body gave to me multiple orgasms, an optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the ninth day of my cycle, my body gave to me strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the tenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the eleventh day of my cycle, my body gave to me one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twelfth day of my cycle, my body gave to me egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the thirteenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the fourteenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the fifteenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the sixteenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the seventeenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the eighteenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the nineteenth day of my cycle, my body gave to me hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twentieth day of my cycle, my body gave to me false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-first day of my cycle, my body gave to me insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-second day of my cycle, my body gave to me carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-third day of my cycle, my body gave to me can’t I have some brownies?, carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-fourth day of my cycle, my body gave to me some mild spotting, can’t I have some brownies, carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-fifth day of my cycle, my body gave to me nausea and bloating, some mild spotting, can’t I have some brownies, carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-sixth day of my cycle, my body gave to me swollen, tender breasts, nausea and bloating, some mild spotting, can’t I have some brownies, carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-seventh day of my cycle, my body gave to me  no, really, where’s the brownies?, swollen, tender breasts, nausea and bloating, some mild spotting, can’t I have some brownies, carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

On the twenty-eighth day of my cycle, my body gave to me another failed cycle, no, really, where’s the brownies?, swollen, tender breasts, nausea and bloating, some mild spotting, can’t I have some brownies, carbohydrate cravings, insomnia and anxiety, false hope of implantation, hormone-driven mood swings, sudden lack of sex drive, this time it will happen, visions of conception, no more cervical mucus, on-time ovulation, joyless timed intercourse, egg-white cervical mucus, one ripening follicle, OK, so I suck at yoga, strong yoga practice, multiple orgasms, n optimistic outlook, seriously? more bleeding?, myyyy sexxx drive baaaaack, still more fucking cramps, a dull lingering backache, really heavy bleeding, and cramps like you wouldn’t believe.

everyone i have ever met is pregnant

Waaaaahhhhh!

Well, OK, maybe not everyone…but my cousin is, and my SIL, and my other SIL has decided she’s ready to start trying for their third. And then there’s the rest of them.

College friends, high school friends, former students. People I haven’t thought about in years.

Fucking Facebook.

not-mothers

Ages and ages ago (2004) Bitch, Ph.D. wrote this post about reproductive choice.  It’s a response to those who twist the rhetoric of choice to try to show that having children is a lifestyle choice just like gardening, skiing or ultimate Frisbee.  This is an argument that pops up with some regularity on feminist sites and career-oriented sites, usually in reference to things like maternity leave and other family-friendly workplace policies.  The idea is that when (selfish, lazy) mothers take time off work to give birth or to care for a vomiting child, the (hardworking, steadfast) childfree have to pick up the slack, creating an unfair situation at work.  This is hogwash on its face–family-friendly workplace policies are good for EVERYONE :   parents, those caring for aging or disabled family members, and those who want to use their time off to do something else.  I’m skimming over this argument here and not providing links because all I really want to do is give a little background for Bitch, Ph.D.’s post–I’m not at all interested in entering this fray but rather in examining one of Bitch, Ph.D.’s arguments as it relates to those of us who are childfree-despite-our-choices.  Bitch, Ph.D. writes:

“I thought that people who have children do it largely because they want to.” No. People have children because if you fuck someone of the opposite sex, chances are that sooner or later you (or, if you are a man, your partner) will get pregnant. It’s lovely that we have ways of avoiding this, and tragic when people who want kids find out they can’t, but let’s not be stupid: having children is not the choice. NOT having children is the choice.

Let me repeat for emphasis.  “Having children is not the choice.  NOT having children is the choice.”

In other words, reproduction is the default state of the human species.  This makes some degree of biological sense–after all, reproduction is one of the basic functions of all species–but in a social sense, as it applies to humans to the exclusion of other species, it is problematic.  Let’s pick at it a little, shall we?

I can’t fault Bitch, Ph.D. for the larger point she is making (that parenthood is a necessary function and that those who carry it out should never be punished for doing so, particularly when, as I noted in my last post, “reproductive choice” is to some degree illusory and a pregnancy can happen with or without planning).  It’s the dichotomy she sets up between mothers and not-mothers.

If reproduction is the default (“not the choice”), then women* can be classified as mothers (the default state, assumed by strangers unless proven otherwise) or not-mothers (the exceptional state, defined only by its relationship to the default).  Any time there is a default state, anyone who is not in that state becomes the Other. This is clear–we don’t even have a word for women who don’t have children (not a polite one, anyway), which is why I’m using “not-mothers.”  It’s a state that is defined only by the absence of the default.

What does that mean in society?  It’s what we’ve all experienced:  people making assumptions about our choices.  There are those who assume we are the default:  “Happy Mother’s Day!” There are also those who assume we are choosing our Other status:  “When are you going to have children?”  Or on the other side:  “You’re smart not to have kids.”

I know that mothers are by no means immune to assumptions–backseat parenting is appalling and all too common, as is the shaming of those mothers who don’t fit the ideal societal profile–but assumptions about those of us who are currently not-mothers come from this place of othering, of our failure to conform to the default.  There are lots of not-mothers in the world, who are not-mothers for all sorts of reasons, and it’s none of our ever-loving business what someone’s reasons might be.  As I tried to say in my other post, real reproductive choice would involve acceptance of many different choices, as well as acceptance of those of us whose lives don’t reflect our choices:  Bitch, Ph.D. says that “NOT having children is the choice.”  Except when it’s not.

So what’s the answer?  How do we get to that acceptance, how do we break down the dichotomy of mothers and not-mothers, of default and alternate “choice?”  I believe very strongly that you have to be the change. I have been turning over in my mind how to fit a consciousness of infertility into my feminism, how to start to be the change, and I think blogging about these questions may be a good start.

*I’m using “women” and “mothers” here not only because of my personal strong interest in feminism, but also because infertility, as well as all reproductive choice issues, are largely seen as “women’s issues,” and even here in the infertility blogosphere most of us are XX, despite the phenomenon of male-factor infertility.  I don’t mean to exclude men from this discussion, but honestly I think that the presumption of motherhood-as-default is stronger and more harmful in our society than that of fatherhood-as-default.  Please feel free to correct me in comments if you find this focus on women exclusive or offensive.

i’d like to thank the academy

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choosy moms choose Jif

I have been working on a post for some time about reproductive choice.  That phrase is usually code for contraception and/or abortion, but it goes far beyond that, really:  the rhetoric of “choice” gives us the illusion that we have choices, plural.  And choices imply control.  And control implies responsibility, and/or blame for the outcome.

On Mother’s Day, my local newspaper saw fit to run this article on the front page.  It was a series of interviews of former teen moms, all now in their late 20s and early 30s, all of whom were being held up as cautionary tales.  The moms in the article themselves were quoted as urging girls to delay pregnancy and motherhood.  Don’t get pregnant too early, girls!  That would be the wrong choice.

But how aware is each of us of the time that is now racing by?  In our 30s, wondering how many more chances we have, wondering what would have happened if only we hadn’t waited so long.  Waiting too long–also clearly the wrong choice, and one for which the popular media would like us to feel some guilt.

Some of us choose motherhood, and choose it, and choose it, and choose it, and that doesn’t make it happen any faster. That’s because choice is not actually the same as control.  We get to make choices, sure, but we don’t get to choose the outcome.

I wish that we as a society could be more welcoming to the many different choices that women make, and also open to the fact that not every choice is possible, and not every outcome is what that woman would have chosen.  A society that could accept not only the many, many outcomes that are possible when creating a family, but also the fact that many times we are just playing the cards we are dealt.  Let’s embrace everyone:

• Very young mothers, whether their pregnancies were planned or unplanned.
• Older mothers and mothers-to-be, regardless of the reasons why they waited (hint:  not everyone chose the waiting).
• Single mothers, regardless of whether or not they chose their single status.
• Partnered mothers, regardless of who their partner is (hint:  the plumbing doesn’t matter).
• Childfree women, regardless of whether they are “childfree by choice” or devastated that their choice didn’t work out (hint:  it doesn’t matter what measures, if any, they took to have children or to prevent having children).
• Infertile women, choosing motherhood and choosing it and choosing it again, regardless of their age, their preferred treatment, and their outcome.
• Women who haven’t made a choice yet, or have made a choice and then changed it for another one, or who regret the choices they made.
• Women whose choices didn’t work out, regardless of what those choices were.

What if we (and by “we” I mean society) could really accept all of that?  All of those different choices, all of those different lives, all of those different families, without judgment, or second-guessing, or shaming.

That is what real reproductive choice would look like.